Hey, guys, I'm struggling with Wisconsin's application essay, especially opening and ending. Could you help me proofread the essay and comment on content aspect as well? Thanks a million billion. Leave links to your essays and I would like to give my suggestions to your essays,too.
Here is the prompt:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Here's my essay:
I have no particular talent; I am merely courageous.
I am courageous to confront new challenges because they are often opportunities in disguise, allowing me to grow and to discover my real passion.
In my first year of junior college curriculum, I have suffered a setback during the completion of the group Project Work. Our three initial proposals were successively denied. My group mates were greatly discouraged and turned to other groups for help. I did not give up then. I convinced my group-mates that we could not afford to lose the opportunity as we would have much to learn in the process. So we continued striving and, eventually, we formulated an innovative idea of establishing a multifunctional online portal. Yet none of us was a graphic designer. To avoid going into a deadlock, I volunteered to be the designer without hesitation despite my little background knowledge on both designing and the relevant computer software. I managed to master skills by myself within weeks. Subsequently, I worked out the web-page templates with my group mates. Our work was later highly praised by the supervisor and turned out to be the highlight for the project.
Since then, I have found a genuine interest in graphic design. I feel a sense of accomplishment being a creator of beauty, when I put all the gorgeous graphic elements together to form a radiant piece just as when I was sketching the tender gradient of an apple in an art class several years ago. Full of passion, I joined the publicity department of the school drama production and the boarding school hall committee as an art director. Designing entry tickets, posters, notice boards and information booklets for school events and festivals has become part of my life afterwards. I also utilized graphic design to spread good wishes via social networking sites. Additionally, I volunteered as an amateur designer in All Saints Presbyterian Church, for example, for the poster of the Easter drama, Living God, Risen Savior. Besides, I participated in The Dustbin Painting Competition in the Green movement and painted my design that aimed to call for environmental protection on the dustbin which was later placed around the boarding school campus where I reside.
It is just one of the many occasions when I explore, learn and commit. With courage, I never stop equipping myself with knowledge and skills that are unfamiliar to me and making them part of my life and my community.
I have no particular talent, but I will enrich the community of University of Wisconsin in each and every aspect.
oh,it looks quite long.Take your time.Thanks again.
Advice:
Change the opening. Maybe say,"my greatest attribute is courage." But you start with a strong negative statement about yourself right now.
Some unnecassary words (in my opinion)
In my first year of junior college curriculum, I have suffered a setback during the completion of the group Project Work. Our three initial proposals were successively denied. (also, explain what this group project work is)
I did not give up then . (sounds like you gave up later)
we could not afford to lose the opportunity as we would have much to learn in the process. (Poor wording)
none of us was a graphic designer. (us is plural, was is a singular)
I managed to master skills by myself within weeks. (skills is vague. Maybe add "the necessary" or something even more specific)
just as when I was sketching the tender gradient of an apple in an art class several years ago. This whole thing should either go or be explained as a seperate sentence... "I had taken art classes in the past" right now does not flow at all
has become part of my life afterwards. (I dont like the use of afterwards here.. not sure after what... maybe "I never would have suspected" or something)
Presbyterian Church, for example, for the poster (would rather something like "doing work such as...")
Besides , I participated in The Dustbin Painting (to me, besides is a contrasting word and should not be used here.
And again in the conlusion with the big negative statement about no talent. Makes you sound like you either lack confidence or ability, and neither will appeal to them. Sell yourself, and say that your courage will enhance the college campus in everythign you get involved in or something.
Overall: My comments might seem harsh, but you actual have good stuff here. One area that I thought could use some revision is where you list your achievements in your field (right before conclusion.) Your thesis seems to be on courage, but you really get away from it here. Could tell you were avoiding the list, but it came out as just kind of awkward. I would condense this down a great deal and try to tie it into courage more. "Thanks to my courage, I was not afraid to emerse myself ... I participate in List, but much shorter summaries. This led to these successes."
ALL MY IDEAS ARE JUST THOUGHTS> feel free to ignore if you like. You have the makings of a good essay here, just needs some tweaking in areas.( and you thought your essay was lengthy)
Okay now back to my apps :) IF ANNYONE GETS A CHANCE PLEASE READ MY TUFTS ONE!!!!
Actually my opening is a quote from Einstein: "I have no particular talent; but I am merely inquisitive." I changed the last word to be 'courageous'. I'm also afraid that admission officers might not recognize it. Should I indicate that it is a quote? Should I write 'Einstein once said blah blah blah'?
I feel the list is quite lengthy as well. But you know I just feel obligated to write them down as they do not appear anywhere in my application materials. I'll shorten that part.
Regarding the overall theme, in fact, I want to express that I can turn a challenge into a passion. In other words, I not only overcome difficulty but also discover interest in the process. I am thinking of changing 'courage' to another word. Do you have any suggestion?
I'm going to your essay soon.
hi, Max, I can't find your essay. Please leave your links here.
This is a great idea.
am is a weak word:
I
am muster courage
courageous to confront new challenges, because they are often opportunities in disguise,
enabling me to grow and to discover my real passion.
I have no particular talent, but I will enrich the community of University of Wisconsin in each and every aspect.
Your vision for the future is your talent! I hope you can express your enthusiasm through the lens of your chosen field, and that will enable you to present yourself as a determined person.
This first para should be fully developed:
I have no particular talent; I am merely courageous. I am courageous to confront new challenges because they are often opportunities in disguise, allowing me to grow and to discover my real passion. (add a sentence to convey the theme of the essay... the main idea.):-)
