My experience with religion - College essay

This is a college entry essay
Topic: Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Address your initial feelings, and how those experiences were or were not changed by this experience.

I rode the bus every day in middle school and would talk to a couple of people who also lived in my neighborhood. They were in no way my friends, but the circumstances had left us stuck on a bus for 30 minutes with a diverse group students who normally wouldn't interact. One girl was very religious, very Mormon, and we eventually eased into a philosophical debate about religion every afternoon as we rode from the school into our old neighborhood. I am a very argumentative person, and when I feel as if one side is underrepresented in an argument, then I will surely be a member of that side. This was the Mormon girl's first year in public school after being home-schooled her whole life, and she was completely ignorant of any lifestyle different from her home and church. Her unawareness and complete dismissal of misunderstood concepts completely infuriated me, and we quickly slid into a philosophical debate which was to be uninterrupted until the bus finally pulled to her stop. We both wanted the same outcome: for the other person to be informed. She took it as a chance to spread the word and attempt to convert me whereas I simply wanted to let her know that her ideas weren't the only ones out there. See seemed to not understand my religious views. I grew up going to church, and was in no way ignorant about religion, but I was Langston Huges in Salvation. God seemed to not want to talk to me and therefore I was unsure of his existence. This confused her because she believed that must believe in God in order to go to heaven, and if you were unsure, that left only one place for you to go.

One day, instead of arguing about the usual skirmishes, we actually managed a civilized conversation where we each began asking about each other's beliefs. This bus ride, I think, was the climax for both of us. The next day, I expected to return to the normal argument, but when I climbed onto the bus and approached my seat sitting there on top of the gray leather was a Book of Mormon. The Mormon girl was looking at me expectantly but I had no idea what to say. She explained that she had gone through the book and highlighted the parts she thought would best answer the questions I had asked the previous day.

I did read the Book of Mormon, not just the highlighted parts, but most of the book. I gave me insight as to how the Mormon girl though and as to why she stood steady on the opinions she had. Actually, I never saw the Mormon girl again, even though she only lives but two minutes away from me because her parents had decided to put her in a church-run private school. Religion to me has always been unattainable. I still consider myself to be somewhat agnostic; however, after our lengthy "argument" over religion, I had gained a newfound respect and admiration for all religions.

Religion is normally an explosive topic to discuss in any essay. However, your discussion was in no way explosive. In fact, it was highly informative and gave both sides of the issue in a calm and logical manner. You should give yourself a pat on the back for being able to address the prompt in a very proper and agreeable manner. This is an example of an essay wherein the writer truly understood all the aspects implied in the single prompt and did his or her best o address these. That said, I would like to move on to advising you regarding some minor grammatical problems and giving you content suggestions which I hope will help you improve your essay :-)


- You can skip this statement because the central point of the paragraph is already the argument that you had with the girl on a daily basis. Therefore, your argumentative personality is established without additional words.

- Try to make this a separate paragraph so that you have an introduction portion to your essay. This part reads more like a part of its body than an introduction.

- ... to convert me. Whereas I...She seemed to not understand... she believed that one must believe in God...


- You can expand upon this portion by explaining what the circumstances of this conversation was and how it helped to make you both more open minded towards hearing each others side. How did the conversation end? That way you can give a basis for the actions that the girl took the next day.


- It gave me insight... how the Mormon girl thought ... Religion for me...
These very minor revisions should help to further strengthen your discussion :-) Keep up the good work!