This is my first draft. excuse the rough ending. i wasnt really sure hwo to end it without being too cliche. ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT!! i was hoping to modify this essay to fit the common app prompts also.
Prompt: USC's speaker series What Matters to Me and Why asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.
"Are you the volunteers passing out these fliers?" asked a man aged from years of outdoor labor as he leaned against the street lamppost squinting intently at the flier I had just given to his daughter. It was a sunny morning with a chill, undulating breeze and I was walking around the neighborhoods of a city unknown to me handing out fliers. What was I doing here on a precious Saturday? I asked myself the same question as I struggled to get out of bed at 7 am that morning. It was my first day as a volunteer on Nadia Lockyer's campaign for Alameda County Supervisor; little did I know that this day would influence my future prospects.
I was accompanied by campaign manager, Miles, because I was fairly new to the process and the neighborhoods. We were going from house to house in researched weak precincts to hand out literature on Nadia's candidacy. Miles and I were returning to the campaign headquarters when this middle aged, Hispanic man approached us. The man's eyes immediately lit up when we assured him that we were volunteers on Lockyer's campaign. "I want to speak to you about a serious concern in our neighborhood," he continued with a look of deep distress. "The city officials have deemed our community park as city property, and they have planned to replace the only green in our neighborhood with offices." The man, Roberto, stood on the corner of the street and pointed to the small patch of green which constituted as a "park". It was a mediocre plot of greenery at its best, but he told us that it meant the world to the children of the neighborhood and served as their only source of escape from the tough situations they faced at home.
Roberto sent multiple letters to the local officials but received no answers. Miles told him that he would definitely arrange a meeting with Nadia to discuss the issue and contact local officials. Miles proceeded to meet with this man whom he knew nothing about and discuss what Nadia could do to help his cause. At that moment, it dawned on me that despite having a negative image some politicians do want to help their constituents.
My parents are always keen to hear my answer to the million dollar question: "What do you want to do in life?". I used to dread that moment of truth and seeing a blanket of disappointment overcome their faces when I answered "I am not sure right now." I was tired of not knowing what it was I wanted to pursue in life. I decided I would take fate into my hands and applied for a summer internship on Nadia Lockyer's campaign because I wanted to explore my interests.
The experience with Roberto was the beginning of a successful summer which helped me determine what I wanted to do. I want to help people. I still believe that I have much to explore before I decide exactly what I want to pursue. Roberto signified the individuals in society that are seeking answers and are need in help or guidance. Whatever future path I choose, I know that I want to be able to say I helped someone; whether it is as a lawyer or doctor.
"little did I know that this day would influence my future prospects." --> it's a bit generic for this type of prompt
I like your idea, however, it's a little dull in my opinion. I would definitely emphasize more on your successful summer rather than the negative images that have dawned upon you. You could also mention why you felt the urge to help instead of describing the intent of destroying the park in such detail. That way, it'll give the reader a greater idea of who you are rather than the neighborhood situation in your hometown.
Yes i agree my idea does seem a little dull at times and that is something I want to work on. What part did you feel was overly negative?
Anyone else? critiques?
"The man, Roberto, stood on the corner of the street and pointed to the small patch of green which constituted as a "park". It was a mediocre plot of greenery at its best, but he told us that it meant the world to the children of the neighborhood and served as their only source of escape from the tough situations they faced at home."
That part sounds negative to me...I'm not quite sure why...I think it might have to do with the fact that you added quotes to the word "park" and mentioned it as a mediocre plot.
But you could spice it up by describing how YOU would envision it to be, like why having you on their team will make it that much better.
Oh and because this is USC, I know for a fact that they like their answers to be specific. In the fact that they generally hear that people want to grow up to help people. So you should end it saying why USC NEEDS to have YOU in their school, what specific professions you think could benefit not only you, but bring great pride back to the school.
Check out my prompts and throw back the feedback!
CONTENT SUGGESTIONS PLEASE ANYBODY???
were you interested?
...little did I know that this day would influence my future prospects (you can replace these words with any words you like... so get excited about it! These words are weak and ambiguous. Replace them with words that get the reader in the right state of mind to catch the truth you are about to express.
I am not sure right now."----Okay, and after the experience you have a new attitude, a new perspective. What is it? I can't tell you what the best way to end the essay is, but I can tell you that you should answer this sort of question with several answers instead of one. You can have multiple careers.
