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An experience that taught you about yourself or the world... UBC Personal Profile (Computer Science)

Feb 11, 2016   #1
Hi Guys, Quick response would be appreciated. Deadline around the corner. I am applying for CS at UBC and Part of my Personal Profile requires two essays and this is one of them. Suggestions on grammars, structure, general comments, any thing will help.

Thank you so much and I'd love to return the favor!

Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that taught you something about yourself and/or the world around you. (maximum 200 words)

In 2014-2015, I volunteered to work as a Junior System Analyst for Garricks Contracting LTD, and got accepted due to my skill and experience with computer. Though, I was limited to certain amount of task, due to my qualification, But it never stopped me from performing my task because I quickly followed my intuition and made the most of resources available to me. In the process I learned that "at first a degree speaks an employer's language, it only makes sense that a bachelor of computer science degree reflects this reality. I would say that this experience had undoubtedly influenced my view of on social development and I rediscovered my ambition and passion for the things I do and being determined to make a positive change to my status and for the benefit of people around me. Such positive lesson and reflection. For me, This is a stepping stone.
vangiespen 1449  
Feb 12, 2016   #2
Kingsley, the essay you wrote does not reflect the kind of response that the prompt requires. This is not about your development as a professional and what you learned about in the workplace. Although, that is another way of looking at it. The essay is actually asking for a description of how you have developed as a person. You are being asked to relate a story that could show the reviewer a unique aspect of your character or personality that can indicate how you can be an asset to the student community, not necessarily the academic sector.

That is why you are being asked to specifically relate what you learned from the event and it helped to shape your view of the world around you. You should indicate those two important aspects in your response. While this essay responds to the prompt to a certain degree, it does not deliver the expected insight into your character and point of view.

Try to think of an activity where you were involved in a diverse situation or a strange (to you) predicament. what lesson did you learn from it? Think along those lines and you will be able to deliver a more responsive essay in the end.
Hiddengrace [Contributor] 68  
Feb 12, 2016   #3
Hi Kingsley! Welcome to EF! Definitely agreeing with Louisa once again. This essay isn't really centered around the prompt- your overall growth and how your view of the world has changed.

I would say that this experience had [...] for the benefit of people around me.

This sentence, while so long, is both indiscernible and meaningless to me. It influenced the way you see social development? How? Why? How is that important to who you are as a person? How has this made a profound change in the way you see the world? You say you rediscovered your passion- but what is that passion? How has that passion affected your life, goals, and view of the world? Saying you want to make a positive change is meaningless if you don't say what that change is, what your goals/ plans are to make that change, and how you will put those plans into action. How will you benefit those around you? Who are those people? Are they impoverished? Oppressed? Discriminated against? Why is it important for you to make their lives better?

You're saying a lot of words that don't say anything specific of meaningful about who you are and how you have changed as a person. Louisa gives good pointers on how to brainstorm the right lesson and experience to discuss in this essay. I think if you chose something, even if it was small, and discussed it in really concrete details, it would be better than making very general broad statements.

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