This is just the draft I wrote down everything possible, like mostly all my ideas. It's kindda long so if you guys could please help me to shorten the unnecessary parts. Thanx =]
Dear roommate,
I hope this letter will actually be delivered to you, and yours to me since it is so exciting to get to know the person who will spend the next precious four years with one another, don't you think? First, let us say "Congratulations" to each other (through letters) for now we are enrolling one of the best business colleges in the US, which I assume is something to be happy about.
I have been sitting and staring at the screen for almost an hour to put down something below the words "Dear roommate", which everyone should have as the opening already. I have to admit, introducing myself to a person I am absolutely clueless about is not my talent. I begin to have many images of you flashing by in my head right now, several nationalities, and different backgrounds. The limit of my imagination is just ineffable. For I know the great diversity in Babson College, I am looking forward to expand my cultural knowledge as well as various economical approaches from your nation you'll enrich me with. I am curious about what made you choose the business path, because I was determined to join the force that drives this world ever since I was a kid. My mom told me how frugal I was in marketing games, how I just love all the new money I received during Tet Celebration in my country, which was odd since kids at that age don't show much interest in money. Maybe, I knew that, money could bring you anything you could ever dream of in this materialistic world. Such a smart kid I was, my mom told me. Now I do not love money, but one should acknowledge that without money, happiness could not be pursued. And with gifted talent in logical studies such as Calculus, Statistics and the adventurous AP Economics course last year, I know I have the ability to follow my dream. Babson furthermore will strengthen me on my way of reaching the utmost end of success.
The experience of two people who will join "force" on the education battlefield for the next four years, or more is really enthralling; so I guess you might want to know something about me as an individual. I might appear as a shy girl in the first time we meet, some people even call that coldness. I guess it's just because it takes more time to me to be familiar with some new people and place. But I am a fast learner, and friendly as long as I know more about people things around me. Because I believe that: You should treat people the way you want to be treated; therefore, I am usually a great help of my friends, as long as you're willing to let me help. Lucky for you, my friendliness doesn't exceed the limit of bothering others, so you'll have perfectly privacy as you wish, for I am not much of an intruder. I've been traveled a lot, so I think my knowledge would be some interesting topics we could share. Great taste in music and movies is one thing I am very proud of, for I believe studying is not the only thing exists in our world; everyone could spare sometime to entertain him or herself. We'll have fun and work effectively together, I promise. =]
What made Babson your choice, I wonder. Because to me, it is a whole new level that brings me closer to my dream: being a successful businesswoman to enjoy life the fullest. Babson first came in my list for its reputation in entrepreneurship programs. With fifteen straight years ranking first place in that area, I assume it must be a marvelous achievement not by a normal but indeed one of the best colleges. I started for more research in depth, and my interest in the school grew stronger. All my years in studying, I've been more in schools than in real world, which contradicts to the fact that I am entering a world outside of books. Babson will fulfill me with that concept of education. I could close my eyes and depict myself walking in a real office with my classmates to actually see the work process; or the picture of me and my team working on our own for-profit ventures. We were doing business; we were businessmen. Furthermore, with its study abroad program, I know I won't be limited in just one country but could explore several (forty seven institutions in more than twenty seven countries, that's indeed a big amount), and from there, individuals like me and you will be enriched with limitless knowledge about global economics. This will fulfill my dream of traveling around the world and definitely prepare us to be ready to enter the ever-changing system of business. Its core values (integrity, diversity, innovation, collaboration, excellence) assure me I'll receive not only a better level of education, I'll go to a place to be respected, have a life experience that will prepare me well for the real world.
I hope you do not recognize the anxiety in my letter, because I am pretty nervous but as well exciting in finding out about my college life and you ï my roommate. I've never really been to Babson myself, so, the first thing we could do together is discovering the school and just have a night to chill out after all our hard effort to make it there. Four years, you and I will walk out as strong roommates, firstly, businessmen and the most important, independent individual. Looking forward to see you.
This essay is about why you chose to attend Babson. Is there is a separate prompt asking for this? If yes, then most of what you said here should be answered elsewhere. If not, I would suggest that you try to balance this essay to be more than half about you than Babson (only these 3 sentences help the reader get to know you personally which is the purpose of this essay.) I've suggested wordings and corrections:
"Lucky for you, my friendliness doesn't exceed the limit of bothering others, so you'll have perfectly privacy as you wish, for I am not much of an intruder. I've been traveled a lot, so I think my knowledge would be PROVIDE some interesting topics we could share. Great taste in music and movies is one thing I am very proud of, for I believe studying is not the only thing THAT exists in our world; everyone could spare sometime to entertain him or herself. We'll have fun and work effectively together, I promise."
Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him or her what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college.
Here is the prompt, I totally forgot about posting this up, sorry ^^
But yeah, I know I wrote too much abt myself, so should I cut out some more? I have more information about Babson I'll include there, but I need some more time to add them in. =D
Thanks a lot for just read it thou, I know it is long ^^"
I hope this letter will actually be delivered to you, and yours to me , since it is so exciting to get to know the person with whom we will spend the next precious four years with one another , don't you think? First, let us say "Congratulations" to each other, (through letters) for now...
Get rid of unnecessary words and phrases:
I have been sitting and staring at the screen for...
Unnecessary words and phrases are like weeds that drain the life from the garden of your essay.
I hope you do not recognize the anxiety in my letter, because I am pretty nervous but as well exciting in finding out about my college life and you - my roommate. -----> If you do not want the nervousness to show, you should not talk about it. What I mean is... if you really did not want the anxiety to be noticeable, you would not write about it... so this part does not seem right.
I've never really been to Babson myself, so, the first thing we could do together is discovering the school and just have a night to chill out after all our hard effort to make it there. I scratched that part out because it is not helpful. Think of what the purpose of this is. The purpose is not to introduce yourself to a roommate; it is to show how serious you are as a student. As you revise this, think of it as an opportunity to show the admisions people how driven, how resolute and determined you are.
