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Experience with underpriveliged children - opened my mind - Common App


IntlIndian /  
Dec 12, 2009   #1
Hey I would appreciate real quick reviews and critiques as I am running out of time. PLease help me, any criticism, as always, will be appreciated. Also tell me if anything is grammatically, structurally wrong or generic/boring. Thanks

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.


Not usually one to get emotional fast, I was surprised at the number of times tears welled up in my eyes that day. As a part of our school curriculum, we are required to spend 2 hours a week doing community service. Before our first visit to Drishya, a school for underprivileged children, we were told about the conditions that most of these children come from. 'These children live in slums. They will be like the children you are used to seeing on the streets or the children of your servants and drivers. They might be messy and dirty but don't hold that against them , as it is only because of their circumstances' we were reminded by our teacher as we got out of the bus. All the children were divided into groups of 4 and assigned one 'mentor.' Our job as mentors included not only helping the children learn English, reading to them and teaching them but also learning from them, interacting with them and providing them with opportunities to enjoy and express themselves. We had been told not to be too inquisitive or harsh with the children as some of them were emotionally fragile because of the hardships that they had been through.

Like every other Friday afternoon for the past couple of months, I was greeted by 4 excited children dressed in tattered and stained clothes but smiling from ear to ear. I had seen bruises and cuts on Vikas' body and face on more than one occasion, but that Friday I noticed a particularly large bruise on Vikas' face and another cut on his arm Worried by this, I gently asked him what had happened. He kept quiet and continued gluing the alphabets onto the construction paper, so I decided not to probe further. He then took something out of his pocket. Busy helping Santosh with math, I didn't notice this at first. When I glanced towards him, he quickly hid it under his book. 'It's not time to play now Vikas. Finish your work and then you can do whatever you want' I said. Looking at me sheepishly he said 'Akka (older sister), this bracelet is for you. I couldn't finish it last evening because my father caught me making it and...' he paused. 'What? Did he hit you?' I asked. Quietly he nodded and said 'can I finish making it now? It's a thank you present.' I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes but I smiled and thanked him. The first time I had met my group of 4- Vikas, Santosh, Tabasum and Divya, I had asked them about their families and homes, so I knew what each of their parents did and how many siblings they had. But that's all I really knew about them. Because of this, I was extremely angry with myself.

'What does he want to thank me for, I didn't even care when he was hurt before.' I thought. I spent the next couple of hours talking to them about their families and experiences in detail. Their stories, especially Vikas', were so heart wrenching that I, a person who didn't cry often, couldn't control my tears. I didn't know what I could do to help. I didn't understand why nothing was done about this before and decided to ask their teacher. In an attempt to calm me down she said 'It's India and they are poor, I have tried to help but most of their parents don't care and don't even know that they come to school. It is better that they stay with their parents. If the authorities take them away, they are kept in extremely bad conditions and won't even be able to attend school.' Confused and with tears running down my cheeks I left the room to have a talk with my teacher, who managed to get an NGO to help Vikas.

Ever since that Friday afternoon, the way I look at things has changed. I realized how privileged I actually was to have a loving family, enough food, a home and a good education. Although I had heard people say the same a million times over, I vowed that I would really do something to help the less fortunate and make the world a better place. Even though I have had a relatively sheltered upbringing, I always knew that there was great suffering and poverty in India but had never been directly touched by it. Now, every time I see a young child begging I hesitate to give them money, as I know that more often than not, their parents take the money and they are left with no food. I buy them a packet of biscuits or some food instead. I even spoke to my maid about domestic violence and told her about an NGO that she or her friends can contact if they need to. We stopped going to Drishya at the end of grade 11 and now go to another school, but Santosh lives in a slum near my house. Occasionally I bump into him on the street and we have long conversations about how everyone is. Vikas now lives with his grandparents and doesn't get beaten up anymore. With the happy thought that I helped make someone's life a little better I bid Santosh farewell and continue on my way.
allathlete5 5 / 19  
Dec 12, 2009   #2
What a great opportunity and experience!

I would say one of the only mistakes I see is to spell out numbers less then 100. So like

spend 2two hours

into groups of 4four and assigned one

d of grade 11eleven and now

etc. etc.

I hope that helps! =)
OP IntlIndian /  
Dec 14, 2009   #3
Thankyou :)
Does any one else have any inputs/corrections.. please reply ASAP
Running out of time
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 14, 2009   #4
...spend two hours each week doing community service.

...groups of four ...

The commas should be arounf "more often than not" :
Now, every time I see a young child begging I hesitate to give them money, as I know that, more often than not, their parents take the money and they are left with no food.---> so I added a comma... but this makes the sentence so choppy! How about I remove the first comma and some unnecessary words:

Now every time I see a young child begging I hesitate to give money to begging children, as I know that more often than not their parents often take the money and they are left with no food.


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