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Experience-Washington Youth Tour - Common Application


swoosh18 4 / 40  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

This past summer, I had the honor to be one of ninety-nine students from all over Georgia to attend the Washington Youth Tour. The trip was not only fun, but fulfilling, and I got to experience more than I ever thought possible in only one week. It was a trip that I will never forget and one that has helped me grow as person and as a leader.

From the moment I discovered that I was nominated to compete for a spot on this all-expenses-paid trip, I knew that I would do what ever it took to get it. The past few years have not been the best for my family financially, so I knew that this might be my only chance to do something like this in high school.

Although I couldn't wait to start my trip, I was a little nervous about leaving my family for a week and living with people that I had never met before. Until then, all of my experiences were with my family, so the idea that I would be leaving them, as well as the pressure of representing my community increased my overall uneasiness. However, after getting to know my new roommates and the other students on the trip, my fears quickly subsided. By the time we actually boarded the plane, most of my fears were gone.

On the tour we visited almost every major monument, building, and museum in Washington, D.C., from the Holocaust Museum to the Newseum. Throughout the whole tour, I could not help but be captivated by the whole experience. To set foot on same hallowed ground that such great leaders like Martin Luther King Jr. stood was both exhilarating and humbling. While visiting these places, I became all too aware of the sacrifice and the courage that it has taken to make the United States what it is today.

One of the best parts of the trip was getting to meet the senators and representatives of Georgia. Our congressmen actually came and spoke to us about their politics and their individual duties. It was great to get to learn about how they are working to resolving the issues facing our country, even if I didn't totally agree with how they believe it should be done. They encouraged us to take initiative when we see problems that need fixing.

I feel proud for having participated in the Washington Youth Tour because I not only represented my family, but my school and community. The trip also allowed me to overcome my own fears and preconceptions, but it also taught what it means to be a leader. Since this trip I have also sought different leadership roles in my school, including Student Government Association Secretary, and I will continue to do so in the future.
ukkuma 3 / 40  
Jan 2, 2011   #2
Hi :)
Okay, to be brutally honest, I didn't enjoy it that much. I'd imagine lots of applicants talking about the same sort of things. It just leaves me with an ok feeling. Your third paragraph needs editing the most, I think. It's like a laundry list. Your style basically goes: worries-->problem solved, I saw XX-->I felt blah; only one sentence after each encounter. Overall, this essay lacks depth, it just grazes the surface.

My advice is you pick one or two really memorable things you encountered on your trip, then develop your thoughts on it. Dig down really deep and recall the one that truly had an impact on you.

I'm sorry for being harsh. This is just my opinion. Try and add some depth to it!
etaang 4 / 40  
Jan 2, 2011   #3
Yeah, this definitely is not what you want to be submitting for your Personal Essay; from reading all of that, I've learned more about D.C. and the program than I have about you.
canes4life 3 / 47  
Jan 2, 2011   #4
Sorry but I lost interest after the first few sentences. You're doing more telling than showing. Try to paint a picture for the reader instead of merely listing and describing. Maybe use some more figurative language and describe things in unconventional terms.
OP swoosh18 4 / 40  
Jan 2, 2011   #5
ok so I accidentally sent it instead of my other essay, so does this ruin my common application?
canes4life 3 / 47  
Jan 2, 2011   #6
I hate to say it, but the essay makes you or breaks you. I hope the rest of your application was stronger than this essay.


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