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'An experienced election officer' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality--Election


bonbon11 1 / 4 2  
Nov 22, 2012   #1
Will someone please take a look at my essay? I'm new here and I have no idea if what I wrote is ok.
Prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development?

"Hear ye! Hear ye! The polls are now open!"
These words marked the beginning of an important day, in American history and in my life as well. A few months before the presidential election, I was shocked when Dad asked me, "How can I vote? Do I need to register?", but was even more surprised to find that I did not know the answer. The citizenship that many are automatically given at birth has taken my family ten years to obtain, and yet we were far from truly becoming "Americans". I realized that my parents, who do not speak English, have absolutely no understanding of the voting process, of the candidates, or of the propositions; what's more, neither do I! Hence, I signed up to work as an election officer and arrived at six in the morning to my assigned polling location, eager to help but also with a strong urge to learn more about the election.

At the polls, I started discussing my thoughts with an experienced election officer, a kind woman in her seventies named Linda Interestingly, she told me that she, too, found she lacked knowledge of the voting system many years ago, then pulled out a booklet written by the League of Women Voters, an organization that has helped her gain an understanding of the elections. During my break, I started flipping through pages of explanations about the propositions to be voted on and was fascinated to find that I was able to see connections between the propositions and issues I had learned about the history class. I had some of the most interesting conversations I've ever had in my life with Linda, as we debated our different views on various issues. With a nearly sixty year age difference between us, we had quite contrasting perspectives on certain issues, but also reached an agreement on others. I also found it very satisfying to be able to assist voters in using the voting machines and proudly translated for Chinese voters who could not speak English. At the end of the long, fifteen-hour day, I went home with a Chinese voters' booklet for Dad, a feeling of satisfaction from the insight I had gained, and an even stronger desire to participate in my duties as a citizen. Four years from now, I will be at the polls with my father, fully aware of the choices I can make as an American citizen.
4m4jordan4m4 8 / 16 1  
Nov 27, 2012   #2
Therefore , I signed up to work as an election officer. I arrived at six in the morning to my assigned polling location. I was eager to help, but I also possessed a strong urge to learn more about the election.

This sentence seemed awkward to me. Overall I like your essay as it addresses the prompt and provides background information about your family.
chillyp 4 / 9 1  
Dec 25, 2012   #3
Hey, I would say put some more imagery or more exciting details. I feel like there is too much description in the essay, but good experience, very different.

Try to work in your international viewpoint if possible, that'd be a good addition. :D
weeyizhi /  
Dec 26, 2012   #4
"I realized that my parents, who do not speak English, havehad absolutely no understanding of the voting process, of the candidates, or of the propositions; what's more, neither dodid I!"

I think you can include some of the arguments you had with Linda in dialogue to make the essay alive. Other than that, you did a very good job.

Good luck =D
nair 7 / 21 3  
Dec 26, 2012   #5
I agree with the above commenter, add a little more arguments you had with Linda to make the essay more interesting. I really liked your essay. Good luck with school! :)

Help with mine please?


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