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"my experiences with Kelsey" - Villanova- Lesson I've Learned


rockonfreak22 2 / 4  
Jan 7, 2010   #1
Last day help help!!

Asking for help on the last day again, ugh need to stop doing this! please help me out, I'm pretty satisfied with most of the paper, but need help on grammatical errors and the conclusion! It feels a bit weak and I don't want to sound cliche. Advice on how to make the ending stronger will be amazing. Thanks so much!

As you imagine yourself as a member of the Villanova community, what is one lesson that you have learned in your life that you will want to share with others?

"It's all your fault! You did this to me!" My best friend, Kelsey, stood before me with tears of suffering gushing down her face. Stained makeup, loathing eyes, menacing position; everything was warped into high definition. The room was dimly lit, the tension unbearable. We were only standing feet away from each other but it it felt like miles. The words dropped like an atom bomb; deadly and without warning. Silence suffocated my body and I struggled for the right words to respond. How do I reach out to her? What can I do to make things better? Could I handle this alone?

Kelsey and I had been best friends since middle school. We were inseparable, spending every waking moment with each other. My circle of friends consisted of several people, but Kelsey and I shared a bond we couldn't explain to others. We knew each other inside and out. Then out of nowhere, everything changed. Her signs of depression were unmistakable: irritability, loss of interest in everything, weight gain, and recurring feelings of hopelessness. I never expected anything like this to ever happen. In one fell swoop, my friendship shattered before my eyes.

As the signs began to manifest, Kelsey's so-called friends began distancing themselves. Maybe they didn't understand the depth of the situation, but it was evident they didn't want to deal with her. Kelsey wouldn't acknowledge she had a problem, so talking to her parents was out of the question. I was clearly in this by myself. To make matters worse, she was pushing me away as well.

Back in my room, questions, doubt, and even guilt swarmed through my mind, rendering me incapable of action. Overwhelmed by her hateful words, I grasped to assess the situation. My best friend blamed me for her depression and broke down my wall of fortitude; all that was left were the remains, making me feel powerless and vulnerable. As a sophomore in high school, I wasn't ready for such a huge responsibility. But at some point in those agonizing minutes of silence, I reached a verdict. "Kelsey, I'm going to be here for you whether you like it or not!" I was no longer afraid to act. She was my best friend, and I would remain by her side.

The next few months were dreadful. Trifling matters would set her off, escalating small arguments into massive fights. But I stuck with her, and endured everything she threw at me, figuratively and literally. I researched online, encouraged her to call hotlines, and talked to my guidance counselor for further steps I should take. I was determined to help, even if my persistence only made the smallest of differences. Eventually with love and support, I broke through to her: she needed help. She talked to her parents and agreed to go to counseling.

I learned many things from my experiences with Kelsey. For the first time, I faced an important decision on my own. I'm proud that I stood by her and am grateful that she wasn't permanently affected and she took positive steps toward recovery. In a recent conversation with Kelsey, she reflected, "At the time, all your nagging made me want to punch you. But looking back, I realized you were the only one who stuck me with me during all the bad times. It meant a lot that you cared so much about me." What I would like to share with the members of Villanova community is that if you want to bring about change, you must take action. A passive attitude doesn't cut it; change requires hard work, patience, and compassion.
jolapham 2 / 11  
Jan 7, 2010   #2
OK, I will try my best to help you with this one. However, please keep in mind that I'm not an extremely good writer, OK? lol

1. What was your friend's problem? What king of huge responsibility did you have to take? What was actually going on? I know that those matters are quite private, but try to clarify the situation at least a bit. I was kinda confused while reading your essay.

2. You start with present tense and then switch back to past tense. I suggest you chose one or the other. In this case, probably past would work just fine.

Those were 2 big ones; time for some details:
3.

irritable, loss of interest in everything, weight gain, and recurring feelings of hopelessness

All of those should be parallel, which means if you started with and adjective (irritable) then stick to the adjectives. Here, I would suggest using nouns. Maybe try: "irritation, loss of interest, weight gain, and feelings of hopelessness" ?

4.

As the signs began to manifest, so-called friends began distancing themselves. Maybe they didn't understand the depth of the situation, but it was evident they didn't want to deal with her.

"They" in the 2nd sentence refer to "so-called friends". OK. But whose friends were those "so-called friends"? You can write: "Kelly's so-called friends began distancing themselves from her." and it all becomes clearer.

5.

I was no longer afraid and unsure.

What made you change your attitude? Elaborate.

Those are only a few things I could think of right now. If I come up with any other ideas/suggestions, I will let you know.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE APPLICATION! ;)

Oh, and here is the link to an AMAZING, in my opinion, essay (also to Villanova). :P
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Jan 7, 2010   #3
Hi, Stephani!

Time management is something I struggle with too, but I try to find at least some significant time to help someone else here. You have to manage your time better.

irritable,

irritability,...

swarm

swarmed

take

took < remember to keep your tenses straight throughout the essay or make a clear distinction of a shift in time.

I didn't care if I was unfit to help or if I even wanted

to help ,...

stay

"I was...Iwould stay< or 'remain'"

This looks good, Stephanie! Just do another read-through for tense issues; there are many of them.

If you manage your time better, you won't be so stressed out, and you can use your obvious writing talents to help some of us out. yeah, I'm nagging...

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Those are only a few things I could think of right now. If I come up with any other ideas/suggestions, I will let you know.

Good suggestions! We were "suggesting" at the exact same time - weird, haha!
jolapham 2 / 11  
Jan 7, 2010   #4
I didn't care if I was unfit to help or if I even wanted
to help,...

I think Stephanie meant that she did not care whether her fiend wanted her help or not.
Stephanie, maybe you should rephrase this sentence to avoid confusion. :)
OP rockonfreak22 2 / 4  
Jan 7, 2010   #5
Thanks for the feedback!! Random side note, someone changed my title. Should I be worried? It just took me by surprise. Anyways, here is my revised essay. Help is always appreciated! Thanks!!
jolapham 2 / 11  
Jan 8, 2010   #6
Hey! :)
I think you have submitted the app by now, but anyway here is my opinion:
It is certainly much better from before. You made the situation clear enough to understand what was going on without going too much into your private life. I did not have to reread anything to grasp your point. I would add some information about the responsibility you had to take, though, or about how you felt just after this sentence:

I wasn't ready for such a huge responsibility.

Maybe some rhetorical questions?

About the title, don't worry. They (?) change it to better reflect the content of the thread.

Anyway, nice essay. :) And to be honest, it made me worry about mine! lol
GOOD LUCK!

PS: And sorry for mistaking your friend's name (I wrote "Kelly" instead of "Kelsey" :-/ ).
PPS: And could you give me a feedback? I will post the essays soon. Thanks in advance! :)


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