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'experiences at the orphanage' - Common App Extracurricular


insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
Could I get advice/suggestions for this essay? Thanks!

I could remember it for the mouth-watering tacos or even for the two hours that I patiently endure in the car for an hour. Yet what resonates in my mind whenever I think about my monthly trips to an orphanage in Mexico most strongly are the children. Learning the names of 120 people may be a challenging thing to do, but remembering the names of the 120 children at the orphanage is incredibly simple when you get to personally know each and every one of them. My experiences at the orphanage have taught me that sometimes it takes something powerful for someone to take pleasure in the simple things in life. Just as living with hydrocephalus has taught me how to put physical pain into perspective, living at an orphanage has taught the children the importance of relationships. The desire to learn this love that the children share with one another is what brings me back every month. Whether it arises from helping prepare a meal or simply playing hide-and-seek with them, the joy that can be seen on the children's faces is a beautiful sight. As clichï as it sounds, I truly receive so much more than what I give to the children.
makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
I love the ending, gave your essay a strong impact and showed you as compassionate for others.

The only thing I can find wrong is the sentence is hydrocephalus because you didn't mention how that made you take pleasure in simple things. Maybe elaborate more on that. If your over the letter count, then you can condense the beginning because I don't think mouth watering tacos contribute any meaning to the essay. But that could just be me.

Other than that, I think it's strong and you show a deep image of yourself.

Can you give my Columbia Supplement a read?
Mauru23 3 / 16  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
"I could remember it for the mouth-watering tacos or even for the two hours that I patiently endure in the car for an hourwhat? I thought it was 2, but what resonates most strongly in my mind whenever I think about my monthly trips to an orphanage in Mexico most strongly are the children"

Really great extracurricular topic you've chosen.
MDes 1 / 4  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
First off, 1,135 letters. Needs to be 1,000?

I could remember it for the mouth-watering tacos or even for the two hours that I patiently endure in the car for an hour. Yet what resonates in my mind whenever I think about my monthly trips to an orphanage in Mexico most strongly are the children. Learning the names of 120 people may be a challenging thing to do, but remembering the names of the 120 children at an orphanage is incredibly simple on a personal level. My experiences at the orphanage have taught me how sometimes it takes something powerful for someone to take pleasure in the simple things in life. (Kind of awkward- kill sometimes, something, someone.)Just as living with hydrocephalus has taught me how to put physical pain into perspective, living at an orphanage has taught the children the importance of relationships.(Elaborate) The desire to learn this love that the children share with one another is what brings me back every month. Whether it arises from helping prepare a meal or simply playing hide-and-seek with them, the joy that can be seen on the children's faces is a beautiful sight. As cliché as it sounds , I truly receive so much more than what I give to the children.

Red is changed. Blue is advice. Green is good sentence.
Just my opinion.
OP insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 31, 2011   #5
Thanks guys! Ill take a look at each of your essays.
makman09: I described my experiences pretty thoroughly in my main essay, so should I still reiterate my self?
Mauru23: Whoops that was an accident haha.
MDes: Right now its only at 1024 letters, not 1135. But thanks for the advice!
BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 31, 2011   #6
I like it has well, it tells alot about you and reveals one of your prior passions.


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