Hi! Please help me with my Brown community essay. Thanks very much.
Brown University community essay
Prompt: Tell us about the place, or places, you call home. These can be physical places where you have lived, or a community or group that is important to you. (250 word limit)
Doing well in the senior school entrance exam of Shanghai and the placement test of my high school, students in three Experimental Classes are all exceptional in intellect as well as academic performance. Therefore, when I just entered the Natural Science Experimental Class, I was overwhelmed by my classmates' competence, especially in maths and science.
My math score improved significantly after joining this community. My classmates always transformed the math classes into forums. They enthusiastically shared different ideas, and meanwhile, I gained knowledge beyond the syllabus and was pushed to think fast. I could gradually approach a problem using different solutions and put forward my thoughts during classes.
Even if score matters, thanks to the Experimental Class, I also got to understand that score is not the only standard that defines a person, because everyone around me has something that makes others want to exclaim "wow." For instance, my desk mate is good at critical thinking; the girl in front of me could detect and analyze details hidden in readings; the girl behind me is the first prize winner of a Chinese composition contest. I not only learned from them but also formed a mathematical modeling team with them. We all found our niches while working for the competition. Due to cooperation, we four together achieved the outcome that we could not achieve separately.
The Experimental Class plays an indispensable role in my life. It witnessed my growth, both academically and personally. It also shaped my resolve to always surround myself with outstanding students to learn, cooperate, and get inspirations at every possible moment.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,529 3445
Jian, what is your place in this community? You have not made that clear. Rather than coming across as a participant, you came across as an observer in the field. Talking about others and their abilities and accomplishments rather than discussing how they relate to you directly. The "community" discussion is focused too much on the other members of the group rather than focused on how the group functions well because of your presence in it. There needs to be a balance of roles and information in the essay. Discuss less about the accomplishments of the others and instead, talk about how you make them look better because that is how a community works. You make them appear to be better than they truly are rather than the other way around.
I would like to have you remove the reference to "My Math score improvement significantly" because you indicated earlier that only the best and the brightest students can join the class. Yet that reference makes it appear that you are inferior to the others. Either rephrase that reference or take it out because it contradicts your earlier statements.
Go beyond just the learning experience with this group and your realization about what scores mean and whether it matters or not. This is supposed to show reasons why this community is important to you. So, beyond the academic side, were you friends with these students? How did you bond with them? Would you consider them an extension of your true family? If so, why?
You have 250 words to develop this essay with. I suggest that you do so by writing a more relevant essay that better responds to the implied prompt requirements. Use the guide questions I have given you to help you better discuss the importance of this group as a community in your life.