UMICH Essay - Explain Unicorns - Will return the favor if helped!
I am applying the University of Michigan's Honors Program and the prompt is to "explain unicorns." Please criticize/critique/suggest/comment/correct! I will return the favor. Thanks!
As daylight surceases and dusk draws near, after a tiresome day of watching the other girls ride their bikes, a girl wishes her mother to read her a story - a story that will bewilder and astonish her. She searches the bookshelf and stumbles across a book that catches her eye. It's pink with some strange animal on the cover. Her mother explains to her that it's a "unicorn."
The girl "ooo's" and ahh's with amazement, hinting that she wants to learn more. As the story is told, her eyes glisten as she imagines the strong and fierce unicorn helping the distressed princess in the illustrations. The story is finished; it is bedtime. The girl begs for her mother to read more, but it's already late. She crawls under her sheets and slowly falls asleep dreaming of her new mystical fantasy: the unicorn.
I can't see a thing. Everything is so gauzy. Where am I? Is this a dream? The view suddenly starts to clear up. No, it can't be. Everything is seems too real. The grass is so luxuriant. The flowers are so kaleidoscopic. The trees . . they are so real. . the bark is so jagged. I can feel the delicate breeze. I can hear the birds chirping. Is this reality?
Gallop, gallop, gallop. Help! Help! Anybody out there? I'm stuck in this tower! The wicked witch put me in here! I need help! Gallop, gallop, gallop.
What's that I hear? There's this noise. It stomping-like. Gallop, gallop, gallop. There it is again. It sounds like . . no, it can't be. But wait there it is! It's my beautiful unicorn! Unicorn, come here! . . . It rushed off, but why? Can't it see me? I was right here!
The unicorn dashes off into the dense forest, scampering along the rugged path. It reaches an opening. At last, she has reached the tower - the princess' tower. She is trapped. Metal bars leather the small opening in the bricks.
Astonished, the young girl bolts as fast as she can on her tiny feet towards the unicorn. With not a single blink of the eye she follows her precious unicorn, anxiously wanting to play with it. She runs and runs, faster than she has ever run in her life. It is not enough. She has lost the unicorn . . exhausted . . hopeless.
I want my unicorn! I want my unicorn! Sighs. I just wish I could keep up . . .
Poof! Magically, a pony arrives. It is seamlessly stunning. Flawless as though covered in chocolate. Quickly, she comes to the assistance of the girl. Kneeling down, she nudges the girl to climb onto her back. She does so without hesitance and the rest is history. The two gallantly ride off into the forest to find the whereabouts of the girl's fantasized unicorn.
Grrrroom! Bang! The unicorn bashes the bars with its horn. Nothing. Again . . . Nothing. The princess sighs, puts her head down, and begins to cry. All her hope is lost. No one can rescue her now.
Gallop, gallop, gallop. I'm coming to you my unicorn! I'll get you to play with me! I want to straighten your hair and pet you all over. Then, you can take me on a ride and we can go fly into the clouds!
The girl and the horse finally reach the clearing. She gasps.
My unicorn! A princess! I'll save you! There has to be a door somewhere around here, there has to be. No, no, no. This is bad, really bad. Unicorn, please help the princess!
She thinks and concentrates hard, wishing for the unicorn to be able to save the princess. Moments pass by. Then, out of the blue, the unicorn's horn starts to glow. The light is blinding - stunningly powerful. The princess looks up. The unicorn astoundingly slices the bars like a piece of cake. At last the princess is free. In all excitement, the girl leaps and claps her hands together.
A blur. Darkness.
Mmmmuuaaahhhhhh. Stretching hands out. Good morning mama. I had the best dream last night! There was this unicorn, a pony, and a princess! It was so cool and pretty! The unicorn saved the princess trapped in the tower. You had to see it mama, you had to! You know what mama? I want to learn how to ride a bike today just like all the other girls! I'm not afraid anymore. I just concentrate hard enough then I can do anything! I can even fly! Nothing can stop me!
I think you have a really good start here. Considering the unicorn is not a real creature, I think you would do an excellent job continuing on this girls journey as she dreams about the unicorn and what a unicorn is to her. You could probably try to work in some sort of metaphor for how the unicorn represents an imagination and ability to think outside of the norm.
Nice start! I agree with Lydia, you could definitely continue the girl's journey through her dreams, and in this way find some way to make it personal. Lydia's imagination metaphor is also an excellent idea, you should think about that since a unicorn is primarily a figment of one's imagination!
Here are some corrections if you wish to make your writing more concise:
As daylight surceases and dusk draws near, a girl wishes her mother to read her a story - - a story that will bewilder and astonish her. She searches the bookshelf for a book and stumbles across onea book that catches her eye. It's pink with some strange animal in front. Her mother explains to that it isit's a "unicorn." The girl " ooo's" and ahh' s with amazement, hinting that she wants to learn more. As the story is told, her eyes glisten as she seesimagines the strong and fierce unicorn helping the distressed princess in the illustrations. The story is finished; it is bedtime. The girl begs for her mother to read more, but it is it's already late. She crawls under her sheets and slowly falls asleep dreaming of her new mystical fantasy: the unicorn.
First, thank you for editing my paper.
The ending might sound little bit cliche.
But overall, I think i can actually 'hear' the voice and everything!
I think its very creative!
Thank you for editing my paper.
Really solid essay. Imagery and storytelling were great. I agree with pj though, the ending is a little cliche, if not cheesy.
I'm still not entirely understanding your full explanation of unicorns - are you just conveying that its a heroic figure that proved to the little girl that she could do anything? Well I think you should somehow tie the effect of the unicorn saving the princess more cohesively with what the girl wished to do, which is ride a bike. I had to reread the beginning to remember that the girl watched other girls ride a bike.
The essay was really good. I love how descriptive it was. Good luck!
As the story is told, her eyes glisten as she imagines
"as" is repeated twice: maybe try: Her eyes glisten as she the story comes to life or her eyes glisten as she imagines the unicorn in the story, a fierce..
I can't see a thing.
try to mention that she is dreaming in this section cuz it doesn't hit you right away
otherwise its a great story and im sure they'll be interested in it, giving them a break from reality for a bit. you might even get bonus points if it reminds them of their own children :)
good job and good luck!
also thank you for editing my essay! :D
