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Explanation for my poor performance in my high school.


milkbread 1 / -  
Jan 26, 2010   #1
What else should I added in the essay?? I totally have no idea with this essay.
Is there any point that I should take off or add ??
Thank you.
( Short Essay)
I was selected into elite Science Program in Grades 10 and 11 based upon my performance in Grade 9. I was glad and honored to be divided into this class. However, when the semester was going, I fell into a difficult time to study, as teachers only concerned to learn science by heart. Consequently, I found that I was not as smart and sensitive as other students since my mind set is not well established to right attitude for learning, especially with numbers and scientific theories. Thus, even though I struggled very hard in these two years, I was receiving only an average grade in my academics during these two years. Nevertheless, I set a goal for myself and I was striving hard. Finally, my effort was worked that my grade was improving compared to my grades and rank in academic records between grade 10 and 11.

No matter having a crunch time in science in secondary school, I have decided to major in Biology in my sophomore year. I have taken biology and chemistry lectures during last semester. I always have brain storm and access new knowledge easily, and I have gradually built my own critical and analytical thinking up from these classes. I realized that pursuing my education in my home country was not suitable for me, in that they mostly practiced the spoon-fed system, which encourages students to memorize all of the details in the book and get a good grade. Rather, colleges in the United State encourage students to apply the theory interactively with daily experience, where I am more comfortable and encouraged to learn. I believe that the United States is the best place for me to achieve my goal as to be a medical professional. Thus, I am exceedingly excited to further pursuing my college in the United State.
yin 12 / 38  
Jan 26, 2010   #2
What do you want to mention? Your poor performance in your high school? Your determination to have a place in a university? the process you have passed to have your position today?

Your 2 paragraphs make me confused because I cannot recognize what you want to focus on.

If the topic is about your poor performance in high school, you should give more details about this problem. E.g.
-Reasons
-Was there anyone by your side when you encountered difficulties?
-Your solutions.
-How could you get access to your solutions?
-THe lessons you earned from this stuff and how can they help you in your career and your future?

Also, you should have an intro for your essay to indicate your thesis. From then on, you just concentrate on make this thesis clearer. yEp, an intro with some paragraphs and a conclusion.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 27, 2010   #3
However, when the semester was underway, I fell into a difficult time with regard to my studies, as teachers were only concerned with making us memorize information. to learn science by heart. Is this what you mean to say here? I don't know if it is a good idea to make excuses and blame the teachers.

Actually, i think I might be wrong about that. Maybe you meant this:
However, when the semester was underway, I fell into a difficult time with my studies, because the teachers had very high standards for us, and I was not prepared. only concerned to learn science by heart. I think this way is better.

No matter Despite having experienced a crunch time in science in secondary school, I have decided to major in Biology in my sophomore year.

Nice, this essay gives the reader a good feeling about you.


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