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"To explore myself and my world" - Why Notre Dame Essay


Absinthe 2 / 5  
Oct 16, 2010   #1
Heyyyyy here is my essay on the topic "Why are you interested in attending the University of Notre Dame?"

Plz criticize it and give me some suggestions!
Thanks a lot!
Good luck~

When I opened the website of Notre Dame at first time, the initial footnote of this school left in my mind was "a place to think". Dark color, peaceful campus picture, compact page layout struck me a lot and I began to believe it was the very place I desired to go and live during my valuable college life.

I'm a thinker. I'd like to contemplate and instropect my life from details to future plans. Although I can't figure out origin of the universe and reasons of chemical reactions, I still want to try my best to make everyone around my life feel better. Notre Dame as a Catholic university can offer me greatest spiritual education like theology and philosophy. There is no doubt I will be inspired and guided to think with advanced level. And only at Notre Dame, I can pursue more reflections and explore myself, also my world.

nishabala 4 / 91  
Oct 16, 2010   #2
"the initial footnote of this school left in my mind was "a place to think". "
Also, I don't think 'footnote' is the right word in the context. 'Impression', maybe?

I don't think your start is strong or decisive enough, try starting with your third sentence? Start with talking about yourself as opposed to about the college?

"The dark color, peaceful campus picture, and compact page layout struck me a lot and I began to believe it was the very place I desired to go and live during my valuable college life."

The dark colour and compact page layout of the website convinced you that this was the college you wanted to go to? It may seem to the person who's reading it that you haven't thought about your college hard enough.

Also, the second half of your sentence is really wordy. Maybe you could try something like "the peaceful campus struck me as the place I desired to live in during me valuable college life".

"Notre Dame as a Catholic university can offer me greatesta great spiritual education like theology and philosophy."
Also, 'great' isn't a strong or memorable word, try

"There is no doubt I will be inspired and guided to think withat an advanced level"
OP Absinthe 2 / 5  
Oct 19, 2010   #3
thanks!!
i've found my passage is too common..
wooleyj 4 / 17  
Oct 19, 2010   #4
Have you visited ND? Or talked to any alum or current students or read student blogs?
That gives good insight and reasons why you may especially like it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Oct 19, 2010   #5
When I opened first visited the Notre Dame website, my initial impression of this school left in my mind was "a place to think." ------I improved this sentence for you.

See if you can write other sentences with the same form:
When I first visited Moe's Pizza Parlor, my initial impression of this restaurant was that it was full of strange people.

I see that Nisha gave some great ideas, too. Do you have another draft?

:-)


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