So I have two possible essays:
I don't really need edits (though if you'd like, I'd welcome you to); rather, I'd appreciate which one YOU like better (and why), and which one you think Columbia would like better (and why). Thanks!!!
PROMPT: Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world - the people in it, events great and small, everyday life - or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well.
This was it--the start of the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair, the largest science fair in the world. Three hours, two balls of sticky tack, and one roll of tape after we arrived, we had finished setting up our tri-fold for the exhibition. I sighed; the jitters I had carried in through the entrance settled a bit. Time for lunch.
My partner and I obtained gourmet wraps in the adjacent room before sitting down. In the center was a sprawling rectangular table, nearly full of contestants. In the middle sat two older men, one of whom I had immediately realized as Dr. Leon Lederman, Nobel Laureate in Physics, and founder of my school. They engaged the finalists in an icebreaker where everyone introduced themselves, their projects, future career, and their thoughts on what would be the greatest scientific invention in fifty years.
I gazed around the table, observing the self-declared future physicists, biologists, and chemists. Each spoke with clarity and conviction, confident in their ambitions and precise with their passions. Nervousness enveloped me again. Was I to say that I am a compassionate person who loves indulging in both science and the humanities? Or that I am a person who does not stop at defeat, and who relentlessly attacks a problem until it is solved?
When it came time, I stood. "My name is Weili Zheng, and our project deals with cognitive science. I've worked very hard on it and enjoyed every step of the way. I'm very appreciative for the opportunity, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make it my career. Yes, I realize I'm competing in a science fair, and I like to think of myself as a scientist. But not just a scientist. I also enjoy delving in engineering, economics, and literature. I enjoy playing guitar, baseball, and rowing. I cherish my relationships with others, and not because they may be valuable in the future. I think they all make up significant parts of my life.
"Both science and technology are advancing faster than ever before. I'm going to be honest here. I have no idea what the greatest invention will be, but I'm sure it will be something that no one today has even imagined. The innovations in the past fifty years--nanotechnology, gene therapy, the personal computer--they've been unprecedented. Unfortunately, I don't know what exactly my future holds, but there is so much innovation going on in the world. I know that I'll try to play a part in it someday."
I stood, engulfed in an odd mix of terror and relief. My life, my aspirations had just culminated into this one moment. I looked around and saw some startled faces, but also some of understanding. In the center, Dr. Lederman smiled and nodded.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Good job, buddy. You sounded like a college essay."
I laughed. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."
We finished lunch and left to explore all the remarkable displays. The future could wait a bit. Right now, I was content to explore the present.
haven't read the other one, but I'm somewhat iffy about that speech you make. it sounds nice, with some grammar mistakes, but overall, it sounds true and genuine. I'd advise just paraphrasing, which would allow you to elaborate on some thoughts.
This is like a story of yourself buried inside another story. It's interesting as such, but your point is somewhat left out along the edges. so, if I were to go along the prompt, I'd be asking myself, what is this person Weili telling me about himself? he's nervous at times, but he's willing to say what he see's as true. he's also writing a storyline essay, it's different
(sorry if you're a girl xD I don't think girls play baseball, but ok.)
just wondering, what would be a prompt for your specific answer?
i'll go look at the other one now~
Well... The other one is good, too, but the choose your own adventure theme is not supported very well. It forwards a theme of perseverance during physical trials, but not really adventure. However, it is well written! It really provides the reader with an experience of the strain you felt.
But, this one has potential to be even better. How about adding one more sentence after
Time for lunch.
, before ending the first paragraph? Actually, this sentence neds to be replaced, I think, with one that promotes a central theme that will be reinforced by the rest of the essay. "Time for lunch" creates a nice narrative effect, but it is not sufficient as a thesis statement. I think this will be better if you end that first para with a sentence that tells the main theme of the essay.
:-)
