I hope you can look over my short essay. I would appreciate your comments and feedback as well.
tommy-j
Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
It occurred to me in 1st grade that the yearbook committee asked a question to which they wanted only one answer. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" When the yearbooks were finally handed out, from A-Z, all 1st graders claimed to have aspirations in medicine. Indeed, my old school in the *********** produced successful professionals; but, it raised young men to be afraid of the world, kept safe in boxed surroundings. Although I timidly replied "sir, a doctor", I knew I hesitated to say so.
I was a young mind filled with curiosity. Around me were toys, gadgets, computers and, most of all, tools. It was my favorite pastime to dismantle my Pentium III PC and listen to the orchestra of minute beeps, flashing with lights of green, yellow and red, play within the theatrical computer unit. Closely working with computing machines allowed me to understand their culture. I soon had the ability to tell the problem with a computer just by the sounds it made. In hindsight, perhaps I did aspire to be a doctor: one that treated electronic patients.
Unfortunately, the *********** provided limited opportunities for computer enthusiasts. My family's immigration to the United States, however, changed the circumstances and opened new possibilities for me to follow my interests. American education, the philosophy of which was "learn by doing", strictly contrasted the beliefs of my previous school. Whereas my new high school offered an interactive Robotics class to students wanting to pursue a career in engineering, my old box of comfort taught the existence of such robots, but left fantasy to explain the rest. When I took Robotics at ********* ******, I finally found a sincere answer to the question I was asked coercively nine years earlier.
In truth, I still am grateful to my previous school for providing me a horizon to which I can contrast my adventurous spirit. The box of comfort was teeming claustrophobically with individuals wanting to become doctors. My interests in computers, in tools and electronic machines suffocated in that environment. I prefer not having limits to my abilities. What do I want to be when I grow up? I want to become an aerospace engineer because I would like to take the computers, the electronics and my ideas beyond what can be physically seen. I want to explore space. I am individualistic. And, as it has always been, I am curious.
first instead of 1st
also... I think physician instead of doctor...
...for providing me a horizon to which I can contrast my adventurous spirit. ----> This does not seem to make sense. You ca see the silhouette of something on the horizon... but an adventurous spirit... an adventurous spirit can contrast against something that is conservative. Maybe that is what you mean.
The last paragraph seems a little self-indulgent. I think it will be more powerful if you get the self out of the way and focus on the field you are passionate about -- recent advances, resources at the school, articles that you have read. Show that you are hell bent on success in this field.
I like what you said about being a doctor for electronic patients.
