Could you please revise my essay and advise me on any changes I should make so it will flow better or make sure it's properly answering the question?
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Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. (max 3800 characters)
Essay:
Considering that my parents come from a country with a homogeneous culture, I have not had the opportunity to experience many things outside of my heritage. Even whilst growing up, my parents were hesitant of my participation in diverse clubs and activities at school, hindering my growth and social development. I tended to stay to myself and be soft spoken, even among my friends. However during this time, I learned to be disciplined and tedious in my studies and became attentive to others.
Upon entering high school, my parents learned to accept my curiosity and allowed me to branch out. Over the years, I have remained actively involved in a wide-variety of organizations and activities in and out of school. I have been involved in theatrics, artistic clubs, instrumental ensembles, athletics, science teams, volunteer organizations, leadership programs and many other extracurricular among these. Although I am already fluent in three languages, I am currently striving to master French as well. My preoccupation with so many activities has allowed for me to gain leadership skills, improve my confidence, connect with social groups, and enhance my drive to succeed.
Currently, I'm still exploring my community and discovering new things I'm still curious about. I just recently learned how to play pool, went to the movies, rode a roller coaster, gone to a water park, and drove a car, all for the first time and I'm still discovering some life experiences that are common for most people in their senior year of high school. The large community at Rutgers provides for me an immense selection of opportunities to peruse through and discover. Rutgers looks to keep their atmosphere full of dynamic individuals that immerse themselves in a conflated ocean of people, I am looking to satisfy my curiosity and learn as much as I can from my environment, attending Rutgers University will create a relationship that will be mutually benefit us both.
"homogeneous culture" I feel like this whole essay would be better served if you spent less time talking about your lack of opportunities outside your culture, and spent more time talking about this "homogeneous culture," because you never say what it is.
For example when you say: "However during this time, I learned to be disciplined and tedious in my studies and became attentive to others." Is this because of your culture, or is this because of who you are?
Because the essay wants to know about how you'll contribute to Rutgers' diversity, as well as take from it, I feel as though you've over emphasized the "take" and under-defined the "give." What about your culture and your upbringing will you bring to the table? Traditions, customs, holidays etc?
