Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
I conduct my own symphonic orchestra, I create flowing compositions with the synergy between my mind and my fingertips, and can even compose melodies and harmonies in a diverse array of languages. Now replace instruments with hard drives, CPUs, and motherboards, musical notes with zeros and ones, and the conductor's baton with a mechanical keyboard - that's me. My passion for computers and science has completely transformed my perception of the modern world around me. I don't see just plain computers, cellphones or web browsers; I see millions of lines of code, cohesively strung together with precision, intricately working together to bring these objects to life. Even behind simple games of Minesweeper, I see an amazing amount of complexity that most people seem to disregard.
My desire to discover and innovate in the field of computer science has led me to Carnegie Mellon University. Beyond the reputation of its student body and faculty as well as the fact that the mascot is literally "plaid," I see a greater reason to attend this prestigious school: the School of Computer Science. With its seven departments I believe SCS is exactly what I need to help me grow as a person and as an aspiring scientist. Specifically, the Human Computer Interaction Institute has piqued my interest, as I have always been conjuring up new ideas to improve the seamlessness between technology and mankind, and I can showcase my ideas through this branch of SCS. Furthermore, I marvel at the chance to develop mutually with other students with a similar avidity for computers. There is only so much I can learn while confined at home, and through Carnegie Mellon I believe I can really grow so much more and reach completely new heights.
Although I hold a true passion for computers, I also have a place for mathematics and physics in my heart. Even from a young age, I have loved solving equations and manipulating numbers, so it would only be natural for this infatuation to grow exponentially as I was introduced to completely new levels of mathematics and science. My initial love for simple addition has grown to a love of finding integrals and the ideal way for me to express this passion would be at the Carnegie Institute of Technology. In particular, the Electrical & Computer Engineering division would bring two worlds I know and love together: mathematical sciences and computers.
More recently I have uncovered my passion for the sciences, particularly physics and chemistry. The way these two fields work hand in hand in nature truly amazes me, and I want to know more and more every day. Like SCS and CIT, the Mellon College of Science can help me acquire the greater depth of knowledge I seek through its many divisions, like the Department of Physics. I have only dreamed of collaborating with scientists at facilities like CERN and Fermilab, and through MCS this can become a reality for me. I can apply the sciences to code by creating physics simulators or dive into astrophysics and the mysterious world of quantum physics through this particular school. The potential that lies before me is truly tantalizing.
I can only progress from where I am now, but it is a matter of how efficiently I do so. I would contribute to its already stellar reputation through my ability to work well in teams and collaborate with people and I can also use previous experience with building my own computers to not only help others but to help myself. Although there are many places I can go to after graduating, I believe Carnegie Mellon is truly the place where I belong and can augment my love for computers and science the finest.
Thanks in advance to everyone that reads and gives feedback! :)
I can sens the content is there, but there are too many 'I's in your essay. Try starting the first paragraph with all the action and end with " I conduct my own symphonic orchestra". Create more sentence variety, ie say the same thing but move the subject, object and verb around a little.
Instead of "I don't just see plain computers...."
Where others see plain computers,,,,my vision is of ....
2nd para - Not only is Carnegie Mellon the top of it's class in ...., but its faculty and student body are...
and so on with the rest of the essay.
Last para - Collaborating with others and working in teams is where I thrive...
I like your last sentence. It has conviction that CMU is most suitable place for you. Good luck
