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Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay?


econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 20, 2006   #1
Hi, Sarah!
Thanks for your help!
My teacher have given out a topic like this:
"Pick a piece of writing from your portfolio and revise it into an expository essay of around 700-750 words"

But I don't understand the request much!
What is a expository essay?
And As far as I understand, this request means that I can choose one of my essay, and simply I re-write it (still be right to the topic) in another length, is it right ?

This is my expository essay that I have written it and I am sure that you will see a lot of improvements :)!

Every morning, when I wake up, I often spend sometime in thinking about things. I enjoy feeling a powerful new day with the sunlight, with the light wind and with the pure sound of birds. Now when being a foreign student in a strange place, I have more things to worry about. But this habit has made me revitalized every morning and my mind is refreshed so that I always feel merry and optimistic.

I am a sensitive girl but not a weak one. I worry about my family back in Vietnam. I think of my family, my close friends and my place where I was born and grew up. Heavy pressure in my new life cannot eliminate these holy from my head. I always keep the images of my loved people and my home country in my mind. I feel lucky because I have my happy family as well as my sweet childhood. I love my people who are dear to me. I often remind myself of when my parents cared for me, they were really my true friends. I miss my lovely sister so much! Every time I played with her, I liked to look into her innocent eyes which brought me comfort. I remember the summer holiday in my countryside. That the place is peaceful and I feel relaxed after the hard-working at school. On the other hand, the busy streets of Hanoi, where I lived and studied also makes a special impression on me. I never will forget the nice memories with my close friends, when we studied and played with each other. Apart from those times, when I was alone, I liked to walk on the streets, to hear daily stories of the Hanoians, to see gradual development of my city.

Being far away from the those things that are dear to me makes me feel lonely. However, I always kept in my mind that I needed to come over the difficulties to make my ambition come true. I set my goals since I was in secondary school. I hoped to become a useful citizen who contributes to the growth of my country. I planned to study economics abroad. I understood that dreams were nice but hard. Therefore, I tried my best to study English hard as well as to read economics news everyday to prepare for the university entrance examination. Luckily, my dream came true. I was accepted into Nanyang Technological University to study Economics. However, there were still many new challenges to me when I first came to Singapore. Feeling sad and being without my loved ones, I could not concentrate on my study. Afterwards, I thought of the advice of my dad that I had to be strong. I have tried to stand on my own feet.

It has been three months since I arrived in Singapore. Now I have not felt as strange as the first. I have many new friends, who are good to me. We help each other come over difficulties in both studies and daily matters. I like my new life here, because it brings me new discoveries and challenges, the new friends and my own independence. I often told my friends about Vietnam, especially Hanoi, when I have free time. Although Vietnam is poor, I still love it much. I feel proud when I tell them about the brave deaths of young Vietnamese soldiers for our country. I also enjoy hearing about the countries of my foreign friends, especially about their customs. I hope that I will be able to visit their countries on one day.

Sometimes I stop everything and think of things in life. I wonder why many people find it difficult to look for their happiness. Happiness is something simple to me. I am happy just to chatter away with my friends. I can smile when I look out the window to face the bright sun and feel the warm breeze. When I close my eyes and think of my loved once, sadness is expelled in a wink. The thought of me going back to work in Vietnam, to devote my knowledge gained abroad to the growth of my country in the future inspires me. I am then, prepared to face any challenges that lie ahead.

I have had a busy period to prepare for my final exam but still spend a part in writing !
Hope you can see my effort! And you will feel acceptable my new essay :)
And also, hope for your help :)
Thanks and have a nice day!
Ha.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 21, 2006   #2
Greetings!

An expository essay is one where you explain a topic to your reader. You have knowledge about a particular topic and you write an essay about what you know to inform your reader. It sounds as if your teacher wants you to take a piece of writing that is not an expository essay, and re-write it to turn it into an expository essay.

There are several types of essays; you may have one or more of these types in your portfolio:
a literary essay examines a piece of literature; a persuasive essay presents an argument and defends one side, to convince the reader that side is right; a research essay compares the works of others on a topic and you may add your own conclusions or analysis to theirs; an informal essay has a relaxed, more personal style and subject.

If you have one of these types of essays in your portfolio, you can turn it into one which explains the subject to your reader to make it expository. Let's say you have a persuasive essay about the war in Iraq. You might re-write it to explain the conditions which led to the war, rather than taking a side on whether the war is right or wrong.

I hope this helps your understanding of the assignment. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 21, 2006   #3
Thanks,
But If the topic is "This is me", I have to write in a length : 750 words under the expository essay, what should I write about this, I think it is not of anything you have explained for me.

Hope for your help.
Ha.
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 21, 2006   #4
This is the sufficient topic of my first assignment I want to revise in the expository essay:
Why? Because I have been disappointed about the result of my first assignment, just only C+, now I will try to change this into the much better one.

Write 200-250 words on this topic: "This is me."
In your short essay, pay particular attention to your voice. Choose words that will convey who you are and the impression you want to leave. Consider also why you are writing and for whom. Is your purpose expressive, conative, informative, or poetic?

Your essay must contain at least one example of each of these four sentence patterns: balanced, cumulative, periodic, and serial.
Yes, that is. Would you mind explaining me how to write a expository based on this topic?
thanks a lot, Sarah.
Have a nice day.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 22, 2006   #5
Greetings!

Your instructor mentions four different "purposes" your essay might have. It seems to me that the easiest type to do would be "informative." No one knows more about you than you.

What would you like your readers to know about you? Where you were born? What life was like growing up in your household? Who your family members were and how you got along with them? Your goals in life and how you plan to accomplish them? Decide what things about yourself are most important to you to talk about. You have only a page to do it in so narrow it down to a few important things about yourself; don't try to tell your entire life story in one page. You might even want to make a short list for yourself before you start the actual essay writing, to give yourself some direction.

Give it a try and see what you come up with!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 22, 2006   #6
Hi Sarah.
I have had a hard-working day ! But I am happy for finish it.
That is my essay, my result of my working afternoon, hope that it can satisfy the request!
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 22, 2006   #7
Greetings!

You certainly have been working hard and have written a heart-felt essay! It would help if you could give me the definitions of those four sentence types that your instructor gave you so that I know exactly what he or she was looking for in your sentences. I can help you correct the grammar and spelling in some of your sentences in the meantime.

"It have been" > It has been
"I enjoy myself to feel" > I enjoy feeling
"My life itself had a lot of things I bother" > [this doesn't make sense -- do you mean "my life was difficult"?]

"week" > weak
"gave me the relax" > relaxed me (or, gave me relaxation)
"Feeling sad and lacking my dears made me cannot concentrate on my studying." > Feeling sad and being without my loved ones made it hard to concentrate on my studying.

". . . I dear the people there" > [dear is not a verb] I love the people there
"I planed to study" > I planned to study

There are other syntax errors and I'm afraid I can't address every single one of them for you. Some are things you will just have to learn as you get better with English sentence construction. Sometimes it's not grammar, but just a matter of using a word in a way a native speaker wouldn't -- for instance, we don't generally call our loved ones our "dears." You are working very hard, though, and will continue to improve with every assignment.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 23, 2006   #8
Hi, Sarah!
This is the definitions of 4 sentence patterns :
- A serial construction is a sentence which consists of a series of three or more corresponding ideas in the parallel form.
+ For a series to exist, each item in the series has to deal with a corresponding idea.
+ There must be a sequence or development of ideas over the sentence.
- A balanced sentence consists of a pair of ides that share a contrasting relationship.
+ A balanced structure works differently in our minds from a serial construction.
+ Instead of a development of ideas, a balanced pair forces the mind to turn back on itself.
+ Balanced pairs accentuate comparisons or sharpen distinctions.
+ Balanced pairs deal with reciprocal relationships.
- A cumulative sentence begins with a main clause.
+ It follows with a sequence of additions that modify the main clause, or modify some aspects of the additions that have just preceded them.
+ The addtions move from general to specific, or from abstract to concrete.
+ The additions are usually not linked by connectives.
- A periodic sentence places the main idea at the end of the sentence.
- Create a sense of anticipation.
- Require a greater degree of attentiveness from a reader.

So hope you can check for me.

And I am sorry, I don't understand what syntax errors are, can you explain and give me examples from my essay, I will try to correct them, I am re-writing my essay ;

Have a nice day.

Ha.
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 23, 2006   #9
Hi, Sarah! I have re-written my essay and change many things. That is] :
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 23, 2006   #10
I am sorry, I change the sentence :

Feeling sad and being without my loved ones made it hard to concentrate on my studying.

into this :

Feeling sad and being without my loved ones, I could not concentrate on my studying.

My new sentence is the right periodic sentence. Thanks :)
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 23, 2006   #11
Greetings!

Syntax refers to the rules about the way words and phrases are combined to form sentences. It is a part of the broader field of grammar, but for our purposes, just think of them as grammatical errors. For example, "to see the gradually new development of my city" uses an adverb, "gradually," to modify a noun, "development." You want to use "gradual," an adjective, instead.

Sometimes the sentence itself may be put together correctly, yet not say what you intended it to mean: "It has been three months since I was in Singapore." This sentence means that you have been away from Singapore for three months; you are no longer there. I think what you meant was, "I have been in Singapore for three months" or you could say, "It has been three months since I arrived in Singapore."

Your periodic sentence looks perfect. In your second sentence, "sunlight" does not require a hyphen. As far as I can tell, your serial sentence and balanced pairs look fine. Your cumulative sentence, however, appears to be run-on. I would cut out "both knowledge of my studying department and understandings of many new cultures," entirely. You might then want to say "because I love the people here" instead of "there." Then I think you will have a cumulative sentence.

It's exciting to see how much you improve every time you edit your essay. Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 26, 2006   #12
Hi, Sarah!
I would like to ask you a question, may I can write a expressive essay under a expository essay? Because my teacher said much about expository essay like a research essay? She gave a lot of examples about research essay, I have not asked her.

Can you help me the answer?
I have been still re-editing my essay "this is me", if you say "yes", this will make me try more, don't care anything more. If not, I will have to chang almost.

And I have a bad new ]. I have received the result of my story telling essay, (do you still remember it?) and I got B-, I don't know, I am quite sad, but I think the mistakes my teacher indicated in my essay are correct. (My teacher is also American). I tried to write this essay a lot. Maybe we didn't pay attention to it carefully. This bad result really makes me upset.

Now I am trying to writing my assignment 4, my last assignment to raise my result
Hope that you do not mind helping me, I promise to try my best to make it perfect, I don't want to receive any bad essay result anymore.

Thanks.
Ha.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 26, 2006   #13
Greetings!

Even though B- is not what most people would consider a bad grade, you worked very hard on your essay and I can understand why you would have liked an A. You are still learning how to properly express things in English; the more you work at it, the better you will get. While I will give you as much guidance as I can, there is a limit to how much editing I can do for you without actually re-writing your paper for you. But I certainly don't "mind" helping you -- that's what I'm here for!

I'm not entirely sure I understand your question about the expressive essay. When it comes to really understanding what it is that your instructor wants you to do, the instructor is the best source of information. I'd hate to tell you to do it one way, when she really meant something else. If at all possible, talk to her about it, ask her as many questions as you need to, and then once you understand what it is she wants, I will be happy to help you.

Remember, too, that expecting perfection is asking a lot of yourself. If you work hard and do the very best you can do, you can be proud of your accomplishment!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP econsangel 4 / 19  
Oct 27, 2006   #14
Hi, Sarah!
I have asked my tutor about my expository essay!
She said that a good expository essay is an essay which have to focus on what you want the reader know, especially in the "this is me" essay.

Now I really confuse, as far as she said, I think my essay I have written (my above "this is me" essay) doesn't focus on one particular thing, right?

Do you think that? If so, I will have to re-written almost my essay.
But if you think I have to re-write almost, can you give me a suggestion that makes my essay focus more on one particular thing?

I also asked my teacher whether I can write my essay under expressive purpose for an expository essay and she said that I can.
Hope for your help.
I still want to write my essay under expressive purpose and I don't want to write much about my life in Singapore, I think I don't have much feeling to write about my life here.

Have a nice day, Sarah!
Thanks.
Ha.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 27, 2006   #15
Greetings!

I'm not clear on whether you are required to write on the topic "this is me" or whether you can pick another topic. But let's assume for the moment that you are writing (or re-writing) the "this is me" essay. What if you talk less about Singapore and the world around you and write just about the inner you? What would you say?

Before actually writing the essay, try writing short sentences that describe you. Start with "I am ... " For instance, "I am sensitive." "I am eager to learn." You might also try sentences that start with "I like ... " This is just to get you thinking about yourself, the things that make you -- you!

You have some of that already in your essay. "I am a sensitive girl but not a weak one." You could go on from there to give examples of what types of things you are sensitive to, and in what ways you are strong. "Happiness is something simple to me" you say. You could perhaps expand on that some more.

I hope these ideas will be helpful!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Nov 6, 2006   #16
Greetings!

Yes, I am very impressed with your progress indeed! You have vastly improved the grammar, punctuation, and content of your essay, and it seems to me that it fulfills the requirements of the assignment very well.

Every language has its own particular quirks. You may write a sentence which should be correct, grammatically, but which is not quite worded the way a native English speaker would do it. I will point out the few remaining instances of this in your essay; these are, for the most part, just "turns of phrase" that you just have to speak English for some time to learn.

And speaking of "some time" ... in your first sentence, you want to make it two words, as I did, above. The two-word form of "some time" means "an unspecified interval or period of time." You could even leave out the adjective "some" and just say, "spend time." If you say, "I'm going to do that sometime," meaning, "eventually," or "at some indefinite time in the future," it's one word. Confusing, yes? :-))

"Now when being a foreign student " -- better as "Now, as a foreign student ..."

"I feel relaxed after the hard-working at school." -- if you say "the hard-working" you need a noun for it to modify: "the hard-working day at school." However, it would sound more natural to say "after working hard at school all day."

"to come over the difficulties " -- never used in English; say "to overcome the difficulties."

"Now I have not felt as strange as the first." -- "Now I do not feel as strange as I did at first."

"I often told my friends about Vietnam, especially Hanoi, when I have free time." -- you have both past and present tense in this sentence. Say, "I often tell ..."

"I still love it much." -- for some reason, we never use "much" alone in that context. We always say "very much" or you could say "I still love it a lot."

"visit their countries on one day. " -- leave out the "on."

"my loved once" -- should be "my loved ones."

"The thought of me going back" -- leave out "me."

"I am then, prepared to face any challenges that lie ahead." -- if you mean you are presently prepared, that is right now, simply put a comma after "am." If you mean that when you get back to Viet Nam in the future you will be prepared to face challenges say, "I will then be prepared."

You've worked extremely hard and it shows in how much you've improved. Great job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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