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'exposure to domestic violence' - MIT short essay: Your World


Lina101 3 / 6  
Oct 29, 2012   #1
Hi! I know this is really bad...I'm having difficulties with the word limit. I think I'm trying to cramp too much info and when I cut it according to the limit, It sounds choppy...

Any criticisms?? Also, I'm not using much of the "smart words" so any suggestions?

P.S: Im not a native speaker so I know some of the parts are a bit of awkward so PLZ be harsh on me!

Thanks! :)

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

Clash!!! I woke up to the sound of breaking glass followed by my father's yelling, which still echoes in my head from time to time. My parents were arguing and my father, once again, raised his fist at my mother. I peeked quietly through the gap of the door finding my four-year old self powerless to do anything. After seeing my father leaving, I dashed towards my mother. My heart ached as I watched mother desperately sitting on the ground surrounded by broken glass and tears pouring down from her eyes. I knew it wasn't my time to be weak. I tightened my trembling knees, dried my tears and I hugged her with full strength trying to alleviate her pain.

Years later, my mother confessed her exposure to domestic violence explaining that she hesitated to divorce my father because her maternal instinct was saying how I shouldn't grow up without father. Eventually, she signed the divorce paper and sought for life in Japan. She first went to Japan alone to prepare an environment for me. While she was there, she met my step-father, who's the kindest person I've ever met. Even though I had some resistance to having a new father at first, I was soon thankful that my mother found someone this perfect. I've been under the influences of myriad changes and people in my world. My aspiration, therefore, is to become someone as independent and strong as my mother, who's the most influential person in that world.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Oct 29, 2012   #2
Hi :) I think you should focus on your aspirations a bit more, because you only used one sentence to mention these. In order to keep it concise, maybe you should shorten the little story, make the paper 1/2 background, the other 1/2 aspirations based on your background. So, in order:

1) Unfortunately, you and your mother were exposed to domestic violence
2) you had to be strong for her
3) she made a great effort to build a better life
4) stepfather was a good influence
5) mom had set a good example for you
6) these influences caused you to be adaptable
7) this gave you some life skills, strength and resilience

I hope this helps :) good luck in school
OP Lina101 3 / 6  
Oct 29, 2012   #3
Jennyflower81:
Thanks so much! it was really helpful!
I tried to edit it so would you mind taking a look at it again?
I have 266 words total now so it would be awesome if you can eliminate some parts for me. :)

Clash!!! I woke up to the sound of breaking glass followed by my father's yelling, which still echoes in my head from time to time. My parents were arguing and my father, once again, raised his fist at my mother. I was forced into the realization of my four-year old self's powerlessness when I saw mother desperately sitting on the floor covered by broken glass crying. I tightened my trembling knees, dried my tears and I went and hugged her with full strength. She hesitated to divorce my father because she wanted to prevent me from growing up with an incomplete family picture; however, with my support, she eventually signed the divorce paper and sought for our new lives in Japan. That is the moment when I stored my infantile ignorance away and decided to be strong for her in return of what she has done for me.

My mother has a great influence in my world and has set a good example for me. In effort to build a better environment for me, she first went to Japan alone, leaving me with my grandparents. Even the day she was leaving, I did not cry; if I do, I would've worsened her tenacity. While we were apart, she met my step-father. I had some resistance to having a new father at first but, soon, I was thankful that my mother found someone who loves and cares about her this much. These experiences caused me to be more altruistic, independent and resilient to changes. My aspiration, then, is to become as strong and selfless as my mother.


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