"How do you express your inner world" - Love for Music

I feel as though this essay is just OKAY. I want to make it, you know, spicier...more memorable. :) Feel free to give critique on grammar, sentence structure, etc etc. Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it.

Prompt(UNC):People find many ways to express their inner world. Some write novels; others paint, perform, or debate; still others design elegant solutions to complex mathematical problems. How do you express your inner world, and how does the world around you respond?

"Elisha, can you please stop that noise in my ear!" my mother would command. Of course that would only encourage me to sing louder and even add a few spontaneous dance moves. Quickly, I noticed that my mother honestly does not understand that my incessant singing is entirely her fault. Listening to childhood stories from my mother always intrigued me and put a smile upon my face. There was one in particular, however, that made me grin every time I thought about it. Once, my mother told me that she sang to her stomach during all nine months of our pregnancy. My mother's casual admission of the truth, that day, was her undoing.

The irony of the situation was what made it incredibly funny. My mother did not realize that she was admitting to me her fault for my obsession with music. When my mother began singing to me it was as if a music seed was planted within me that grew larger as I grew, as well. I did not know it then, but music was soon to become my best friend, my passion: my lifestyle. My determined need of music began to blossom when I sang publicly for the first time.

At the age of 5, I was expected to sing "The Lord's Prayer" at a wedding. Still, I remember how nervous I was. The butterflies took flight and were soon going to take over. But the butterflies, shortly, went away. Afterward, when numerous family members told me what a great job I had done, something else took over: my pride's desire for more. Now that I am 17, I reasoned to be even more proud in my singing abilities, showing off my vocal instrument anywhere, at anytime, and in any way that I can. I have found that my musical talent is so strong that I can replay entire songs from memory. My addiction to music does not end there, if it can be believed.

My love of music has expanded to include the acoustic guitar and the piano. Playing an instrument is extremely pleasing, but singing gets even more satisfying when the people around me react in their positive ways. Usually, the response is "You can really sing!" giving me an unexplainable feeling of warmth inside. Always answering with a "Thank you" and a modest, humble smile, I love to make people happy knowing that my singing has the power to accomplish filling both myself and them with contentment. Being blessed to have such a gift, I intend to continue to pursue developing this talent. Now, my mother is thankful and is the center of my greatest encouragement to do just that.

It's always great when someone says please and thank you!


I don't understand this. I don't know if I'm a slow person or what, but I actually had to read this paragraph over like 3 times to finally understand it. I think you should arrange them like this, or I hope my example can give you some sort of idea: after your first sentence, you say that your mother doesn't understand that your outburst of singing and acting all spontaneous was entirely her fault, and then you continue on with the rest of what you were saying.


The word grew is redundant. Try to find a different replacement.


I don't think you should start a sentence with but, that's a no no in the book of grammar. I'm kidding about the flying part, but you should insert some nice phrase that describes how strong and powerful you felt when singing up there since it took all your fears away.


Things need to stop taking over you, you sound possessed lol jk, but I do suggest better word choice and what do you mean by my pride's desire. I don't know if it's just me, but this does not make sense.


It should be in positive ways.


It should be a period.


I don't like that ending at all. It seems out of place, and abrupt. Maybe you should say that you wouldn't have been able to develop this great singing ability of yours without your mother, and she's your greatest encouragement.

I'm totally sorry that this is so long, but honestly when I'm critiquing I just say whatever comes to mind. Hopefully I was helpful!

That is a great approach! It really helps the essayist to know how the content affects an objective reader.

The first sentence of this essay seems wrong, because "command" is not quite the right word. Commands do not end with question marks.

This sentence is funny and clever: Of course that would only encourage me to ...

Make the verb tense consistent: noticed that my mother honestly does did...

You have a nice way of writing! I want to suggest using some punchy brevity, though. Brevity is great when you can achieve it. Whenever you have a simple-to-understand idea to express, be sure you express it succinctly:

Being blessed to have such a gift, I intend to continue to pursue developing this talent develop it.

I have found that my musical talent is so strong that I can replay entire songs from memory. (end the paragraph here).

Let this sentence begin the next paragraph:
My addiction to music does not end there. f it can be believed My love of music It has expanded to include...

:-)

Thanks Kevin!!! Umm I was wondering if you can critique my essay for Syracuse University please cause I have a feeling that no one is going to do it since it's super long!!! It would really mean a lot!!!