Extracurricular experience: evolving through soccer

The first time my foot met the ball was at the age of four, ever since then, my love for soccer has evolved. I continued training and bettering myself, always letting my competitive side show. One day I realized my potential, not as a player, but as a mentor and instructor. With this realization I got the urge to become a certified referee, enabling me to promote the most important values and rules of the game. I became the authority figure on the field ensuring the players safety and being trusted to call a fair game. My contributions didn't stop there; when I decided I would lead a group of five and six year old girls developing their skills throughout the early stages of soccer. These were the years that my leadership skills began to develop and emerge and it's safe to say, I loved the feeling.

I like the topic and general progression of your essay. It definitely shows how your experience started with soccer and evolved as you grew. If at all, I would say edit the last sentence to something that relates back to the game of soccer in a creative way. I hope this helps!

please read mine! first draft of common app personal essay. please help!

This is an example of a sentence to which your English teacher might say "Show, don't tell!" Instead of making a claim, mention the experience that made you discover your talent as a mentor. Use imagery words and action verbs, and the reader will really experience it!

:-)

Also, here is a place to add a comma:
These were the years that my leadership skills began to develop and emerge and, it's safe to say, I loved the feeling.

Nice! At the end, you might want to talk about how you can continue to get that feeling as you enter your chosen career in the field of _________.

The last sentence doesn't flow well, but other than that sounded really good.