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Extracurricular essay- can someone help me correct or improve it

kervina 2 / 4  
Dec 9, 2016   #1
Ever since I entered high school, I spent lots of my free time volunteering for MOVE Volunteer Mauritius. As a member and treasurer of the organization, I was chiefly in charge of financial part. However, my roles extended far beyond raising money to build homes or fund community projects; it was all about connecting with the people around me and trying to understand their problems before tackling them. Alongside this extraordinary group of dynamic and wholehearted individuals, I organized lunch meals and fun days at homes and orphanages and taught young children to play soccer. Their smiling faces and the enjoyment in their eyes as they slowly learn to juggle, dribble or freestyle make it worthwhile.
nazzia30 5 / 13  
Dec 9, 2016   #2
I was chiefly in charge of financial part. operations.
Apart from just this word, I think your essay is very well written.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 9, 2016   #3
Kervina, what is the maximum word count on this statement? In my opinion, you will have to revise the essay to be less of a "telling" of the activities that you did and more of a "showing" regarding how being a member of MOVE has helped you develop as an individual or heightened your sense of socio-civic responsibility. From the stories that you told, I believe that you can pick one of the incidents and then highlight the lesson, experience, or unforgettable moment that could sum up why this extra curricular activity is special to you.

Right now, your essay narrates and summarizes all of the important highlights of your membership in the group. However, all you need is one highlight moment / adventure from your time doing a specific activity in order to create a better picture of how you spend your free time and how the experience has contributed to your developing mindset or character.

Read the prompt again, is there something specific that you should present in the statement? Make sure that you are able to do that. If you can post the prompt in the succeeding thread, I might be able to help you align your response in an even better manner to the prompt.
OP kervina 2 / 4  
Dec 9, 2016   #4
Prompt •Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 9, 2016   #5
Hi Kervina, thanks for getting back to me so soon. I was right on track with the advice I gave you the first time. This time though, I would like to focus on how you can best develop your extra curricular experience response. I believe that you have enough notable moments as a member of MOVE to create a memorable extra curricular activity. You just have to choose the best activity to show the reviewer, rather than "tell" the reviewer about the experience.

Try to focus on a specific time when when you helped a member of the community that MOVE was serving. Consider the moment when you were able to help change a life, inspire a person, or just be there to care and listen to someone who needed support. Explain how this experience helped you realize that an extra curricular activity is not just about doing something outside of school to relax or because it looks good on your college application. Use it to explain a moment of self realization in order to give your participation in MOVE more than just a superficial experience. Elaborate in a marked manner that manages to tell the reader something about you that you may not have been able to present in the other prompts.
OP kervina 2 / 4  
Dec 9, 2016   #6
Thanks for ur comments. I'm trying to make it the way you told. Do you have a v.good example of an extracurricular essay?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 9, 2016   #7
Hi again Kervina. I don't have an example to offer you right off the bat. However, you can do a search of the forum for essays that have the same prompt instruction. I know that there are quite a number of them out there that you can use as perfect examples for your revised essay. If I were to advice you regarding the tone of your essay though, I would suggest that you try to go for a light, humorous tone that can show the reviewer how you can make light of a serious situation in order to better inspire a person to, as your organization says "move" in a positive direction.

Try to recall the story of one child whom you were able to inspire to say, play soccer when everything about the child said that he could not. How did you inspire him and how did you feel after that? Such a narration should help show the way that your extra curricular activity helped both you and the other person become better versions of yourselves because of the results of your activity.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 10, 2016   #8
Vinesh, your statement is too broad in concept and does not fully focus on one aspect of the extra curricular activity which will present the relevance of your participation in the organization. Let's see if we can fix this for you. Try to write the statement in the following manner:

As a high school participant in MOVE Volunteer Mauritius, I helped in community outreach programs. One of the projects that I assisted in was LAMHAA. This program was aimed at taking children on the island out of gangs through the influence of sports. From the start of the program to the last few days, I have been helping to teach these children how to play soccer. Each day that I kick the ball around with them, I am reminded of how they are learning how to hope for a better future through sports. I constantly work to inspire them so that they will strive to improve their lives instead of leading dead end lives as gang members. MOVE is more than just a extra curricular activity for me at this point. It is a vocation that I hope to continue doing while I am in college.

Do you see how you can make the response as short as 146 words and and still manage to offer a complete thought process? There is no aspect of importance that was left out of the expanded explanation of your extra curricular activities. More importantly, the statement issued a confidence that you will be looking forward to being able to continue doing the same activity or interest as a college student. That is how this response prompt should be approached.

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