Extraordinary documentary called 'Twitch' - American University Essay

Prompt:American University is known for its politically active student body, where students engage in a variety of local, national, and global issues. Discuss an issue of importance to you and how you hope to become further involved with it as a member of the American University community

I attended the Georgetown Medical Institute the summer after my junior year. The aim of this institute was to allow high school students to learn more about and explore the vast range of opportunities the medical field has to offer. My perspective of life seemed to change when we were shown this extraordinary documentary called 'Twitch.' The documentary followed a seventeen year old girl make the brave decision to undergo genetic testing, after her mother had died from Parkinson's disease the year before. I felt for her that day in that dimly lit and cramped theater. As I noticed tears streaming down my cheeks, I truly discovered the impact that a neurological disease can have on a person. Neurological disorders tend to be hidden from society, because of the physical and mental degenerative effects that it has on a person. The entire being of who they are, or who they were, disappears entirely. As a member of American University, I hope to educate the public about the gravity that a neurodegenerative disease can have on a person, and even a family. By documenting the lives of families affected by these disorders, I hope to show society the importance of finding cures to these disorders and spark social change by appealing to the hearts of the public. American would give me the ability to further my education and knowledge, by allowing me to obtain an undergraduate degree in Neuroscience and helping me get closer to my goal of a cure.

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Lauren, you need to come up with a better title for the essay. You can't give the title as being related to a documentary film because that documentary is not the reason why you chose your major, it is the theme of the film. "Twitch" is the tittle, not the term for the illness or what interests you. Please develop a new title when you can. One that better suits the theme of your essay as you have written it. Now, about the essay itself.

I have a problem with accepting your explanation that you decided your college major based solely on the viewing of a medical documentary. There is no personal connection between you and the documentary film because you did not go out of the theater and begin to engage in activities that would somehow show a personal relationship between the influence of the film on you and your desire to make this a global issue of notice. There is a certain shallowness to the way that you present the importance of the issue surrounding Parkinson's in your essay. In fact, the way you presented the issue does not make it seem like a global issue that needs to be dealt with at all. Now, maybe, if you had presented some volunteer work or membership to some organization related to the disease after the film viewing, such a relation could have been made. Right now it just does not exist in the essay.

It is this disconnect between the prompt of the essay and your actions after viewing the film that makes me feel that the essay will not work to your benefit in its current form. If you can find a way to improve upon the development of your interest in the field and present ways by which you have already participated in calling attention to the issue, then we might be able to spin the essay to conform with the prompt. Otherwise, I think you would do best to choose another global issue to discuss in this essay.

I redid the essay! Let me know what you think! All of your help is so fantastic :-)

There were laughs one moment and screams the next. We had bonded during our PreCalculus class the year before and our friendship had blossomed. But then, like all of sudden, something snapped in him. He would call me in the middle of the night, screaming and crying and I had no idea what to do. I went to his parents, letting them know what I was seeing, and they forcibly admitted him to a mental ward at the local hospital shortly after. There, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, at the age of nineteen. The mental ward seemed like the right thing to do, but little did I know that the realities of mental care in the United States is at an extremely low state. The condition of the country's mental hospitals doesn't allow patients to receive proper care, in an environment where people should be rewarded for trying to get help. There was an eight month waiting list to see an actual psychiatrist. In the meantime, he was isolated in an environment where he wasn't getting the help he needed, and was just being force fed pills, expecting that to solve the problem. As a member of American University, I hope to solve this problem. By participating in Active Minds, an organization that encourages others to speak out about mental health and educate others about the realities of mental health, I hope to increase the conditions of mental health facilities and provide awareness for these issues.

Lauren, I hope you won't mind if I tweak a few sentences for you :-) Just to make it flow better or sound better.


- All of a sudden, something...
- English grammar rules dictate the no sentence can start with "But".


- ... seeing, forcing them to have him admitted to a mental...


- At the tender age of nineteen, my best friend was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.
- Always find a way to make the sentences about you and not your friend.


- Having him admitted to the mental ward seemed t be the right action to take at the time ,


- I hope to increase awareness of the conditions found in the American mental facilities in an effort to help raise awareness and provide doable solutions to the issue.

Overall, this essay finds itself in tune with the prompt and offers a very good insight into the kind of cause that you are hoping to undertake as a student at American University :-)