Hey everyone, I'm new to this site, but I need some help here. I've been working on my wait list essay for Columbia in NYC (my DREAM school), and I just need to get it buttoned up before 4/30/2013. I'm trying to make the admissions office cry, so any fancy language or rhetoric you guys think I should throw in there is greatly appreciated.
Their instructions:
If your interest in Columbia remains very high, we strongly recommend that you submit a brief (one-page maximum) supplementary statement of your own.
Here's what I've got:
I was always an extremely determined kid. Thankfully, my parents were always dedicated to my brothers and I having the best education within their means. Though I won't be the first member of my family to attend college, I will be the first to leave the state, reminiscent of the way that my parents were the first to leave their home country of Cuba. I'm proud to tell the story of how they struggled, and how they prospered. How they are the epitome of the American Dream. How my mom began to work at the age of 12 in a country she knew nothing of. How my dad couldn't finish high school. How they've created their own legacy in the greatest country on Earth. How they want nothing more than for me to live up to my full potential. How they want me to realize all of my wildest dreams.
To attend Columbia would be just that - a dream come true. Because of them, I never used to settle for anything less than excellence in all that I did. Over time, however, I had become complacent at the top of the academic food chain. That's not the type of man my parents raised me to be. This fault is why I believe I was not offered admission to Columbia. I didn't work as hard to prove myself as I should have. I was always used to being at the top, and though I tried to avoid it, I had become arrogant; too sure of myself. Though I was not rejected, not being fully admitted was a blow to my false sense of pride. Needless to say, I feel nothing but gratitude for the consideration of admission, and humility in seeing that I have to continue to strive towards my full potential. If I am offered admission to Columbia, I guarantee that I will attend.
During my senior year, I was elected to serve as the president of my school's chapter of Health Occupations Students of America and attended the HOSA State Leadership Conference as a voting delegate. I was also nominated and selected to represent my school as a Miami Herald Silver Knight candidate in the science category, a scholarship granted to high school seniors who are leaders in their community, as a direct result of the research I conducted previously. Cambridge University also granted me the opportunity to conduct independent research on radiation. All of this is meaningless however, if I don't connect my accomplishments to the fulfillment of my dreams. To be humble is to find the good in everything. Thanks to the decision to be offered a position on the wait list, I can both appreciate my accomplishments, and continue to push towards my dreams.
Thanks in advance!
Thankfully, my parents were always dedicated to my brothers and I having the best education within their means.
For me, this sounds a bit confusing in conveying your idea. As I read it I felt that your parents gave priority to your brothers over you... Then only I got what you meant. I think you better rephrase this to convey your idea clearly.
Though I won't be the first member of my family to attend college, I will be the first to leave the state, reminiscent of the way that my parents were the first to leave their home country of Cuba.
.... this is good :)
How they want nothing more than for me to live up to my full potential.
... again this doesn't flow clearly.
Why they want nothing more than from me but living up to my full potential.