Eyes, with pride - Lourdes music program

Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.

The experience I've had as a member of the Lourdes music program has had a profound impact on my life. It has influenced nearly every nuance of my life, most notably my willingness to try new things, academics and self-confidence.

I joined our grade school band in 5th grade, ecstatically blowing on the saxophone for the first half an hour. After that however, I soon grew to hate it. I despised the saxophone, and, by association, band. Two years later, I switched to the trombone, my mother hoping it would convince me to like band. It did not. As with the saxophone, trombone required the dreaded practice. I spent the next two years begging my mom to let me quit band and be like all the "cool" kids. She responded by saying I could quit once I got to high school. When it came time to register for classes, however, she had decided (with persuasion from my sister), that I needed to try the high school band for a year before I could quit. By the end of 8th grade, I was registered for band, and, despite an impressive amount of whining, would soon grow to appreciate my mother's decision.

Marching band quickly taught me that I had to work to be acceptable. It was expected of me to fit in exactly with the seniors in high school. Throughout the entire summer I was pushed to work harder, and practice more. With the help of my sister, who was a senior, I was dragged through the season. The work that the season required felt like a slap to the face after slacking in everything I did for so long. I came into my Freshman year knowing for the first time how to work.

In 8th grade, I was suicidal. I had no friends, and was being made fun of more often than not. I felt useless. This all changed when marching band season started, as band camp brought new friends. When I was sitting alone at lunch, a group of upperclassmen would have all of the freshmen get in a group and start chatting with us: Nobody went friendless if they were in the band. With their persistence I soon had a group of good friends for the first time. An essential part of marching band was confidence, and I was not exempt. Every practice would begin with a posture drill, making sure that my back was straight, shoulders were back, and chin was up. It was very difficult to feel lowly in that stance. The biggest confidence booster came at the competitions, however. Before every show the band would gather in a circle, and the seniors would talk to us about how important we were, and that by being a part of this band, we were great. Every circle would close with the seniors yelling "Eyes", the response to which was "With pride"

Paul, you can't just say that you quite the band because you did not like it. You need to let us know what it was about the band that you became so adverse to and why you continued to hate the band regardless of what instrument your mother had you play. That way you can build the foundation for the reason behind why you eventually came to change your mind because you came to like being in the marching band.


- Exactly what caused this in you? Explain the circumstances so that we can get an idea as to why band participation became your life saver. Remember these were supposed to have gone on unnoticed by most people so it is essential that we learn why marching band participation became very important to you.

There are also some grammatical errors that we need to address within the essay but I feel that we should hold off on doing that until we are able to adjust the theme and content requirements of your essay :-) Shall we start with those?

I made some revisions to the first paragraph. It's rough and a little awkward, but do you think it solved the adversity issue?
I joined our grade school band in 5th grade, ecstatically blowing on the saxophone for the first half an hour. Upon discovering that I was not miraculously a brilliant saxophonist, I grew to despise the saxophone, and, by association, band. Two years later, I switched to the trombone, my mother hoping it would convince me to like band. It did not. As with the saxophone, the trombone required the dreaded practice. I spent the next two years begging my mom to let me quit band and be like all the "cool" kids. She responded by saying I could quit once I got to high school, which was a lie. By the end of 8th grade, I was registered for band, and, despite an impressive amount of whining, would soon grow to appreciate my mother's decision.

I revised the last paragraph, what do you think? In regards to the unnoticed portion, nobody knows that it was this important to me, but I'm not sure that I need to attempt to explain that.

In 8th grade, I was suicidal. I had no friends, and was being made fun of more often than not. I felt useless. This all changed when marching band season started, as band camp brought new friends. When I was sitting alone at lunch, a group of upperclassmen would have all of the freshmen get in a group and start chatting with us: Nobody went friendless if they were in the band. With their persistence I soon had a group of good friends for the first time. An essential part of marching band was confidence, and I was not exempt. Every practice would begin with a posture drill, making sure that my back was straight, shoulders were back, and chin was up. It was very difficult to feel lowly in that stance. The biggest confidence booster came at the competitions, however. Before every show the band would gather in a circle, and the seniors would talk to us about how important we were, and that by being a part of this band, we were great. Every circle would close with the seniors yelling "Eyes", the response to which was "With pride"

Excellent revision Paul! The essay is much better developed now and really hits home. It clearly states the reasons why something like being a marching band member would be something overlooked by others but could be of true importance to you. I specially like the part about the response to the chants, "Eyes!" "With pride!" as well. I am just wondering if the essay would be further helped by explaining how you ended up with the band in high school even after your mom told you could quit then. I feel like that is an important aspect that we need to learn about because it will establish how the continued band membership helped you find a place, a niche, and a group to belong to in high school. Can you write a sentence or two about that in the first paragraph? Then post the completed essay here so we can divide it into the proper paragraph positions?

The experience I've had as a member of the Lourdes music program has had a profound impact on my life. It has influenced nearly every nuance of my life, most notably my willingness to try new things, academics and self-confidence.

I joined our grade school band in 5th grade, ecstatically blowing on the saxophone for the first half an hour. Upon discovering that I was not miraculously a brilliant saxophonist, I grew to despise the saxophone, and, by association, band. [...]

You did even better work with this version Paul. It is quite detailed, without going into too much details, provides and insight into you mindset and the reasons behind your actions in joining the band, disliking it, and then finally, coming to appreciate the lessons that band membership had to teach you. You should be proud of this work. I believe that you can already use this version for your common app essay. However, what I think and how you feel are not always the same, so if you feel that you can add more to make this essay even better, then add it in and upload it here so we can assist you some more. Otherwise, you can take this essay and run with it already :-) The choice is officially yours.