Anyone want to help me with my personal statement? It's not fluid enough for me. :(
And I'd like some help with the closing line. Here's the prompt, I appreciate it. :)
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
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I threw my books down with a bang and lunged at the girl in front me. She pushed me back. The teacher yelled at us to sit down, and so we did. Yet there was still a tension in the air as we sat down, our friends patting us on the back, telling us "It's not worth it," and "we'll get them back later." The bell rang, and our class left with a hostile quickness. We walked into our green room, laughing silently. Everyone gave each other high fives and I embraced the girl I fought with only minutes before. We stood there with satisfaction, until our stage manager cued us to go back onstage. To us, our final performance was a success.
In eleventh grade I was a student in an intermediate theatre class. Walking into this class, I knew no one, and I was especially nervous. Our class was very diverse, drawing a person from most every clique on campus. I had been in a theatre class prior to this one, but it seemed very different. Even though most of us were not as open to try new things, Mrs. Sandoval had us step out of our boundaries with some exercises. Within a couple of weeks, our entire class had a something totally different, which can only be described as a deep camaraderie. We greeted each other in between classes, had lunch, and spent time after school hours. I have never had a class that I got along with so well. We had learned to work as an ensemble, and we had gained a respect for each other.
Our final project was to perform a dramatic one-act play. Our class came alive with ideas as soon as we had heard our assignment. At last, a chance to showcase our dramatic side! We finally decided to have a student write the play, the source material being the feature film Freedom Writers. The film was about a teacher inspiring her "at risk" students to pursue their dreams. In a way, it was a parallel to the relationship that our class had achieved over the months. Much like the film, our class was a very diverse group of people that came together. Excitedly, our class put the show together in two weeks, and we decided on three performances, each one escalating to the next one.
Our last performance was an experience that I will never forget. Theatre has changed me for the better, making me more bold and outgoing than before. I gained so much from this class, from a newfound confidence to long lasting friendships. It takes a lot of courage to performing onstage, because there is nothing more terrifying than exposing one's self to the judgment of others. It pushes on comfort zones, yet it reaps many benefits. I plan on taking this newfound courage with me wherever I go.
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It's not fluid enough for me.
Fluidity is not everything! The most important thing is to punch the reader in the stomach with your sentences.
Oh, ha ha, I see that your intro paragraph does indeed send a big haymaker. Nice!
I'll rework this part to add the "past perfect tense" because I think you are doing backstory now that occurred before that successful scene:
Walking to my eleventh grade intermediate theatre class for the first time, I had not known any of the other students, and I felt especially nervous. Our class...--- and I changed it so that it uses an action verb: felt
My idea for you: right at the very end, write a sentence about how this experience of empowerment will help you in your chosen field and during your time at this school. Make it a realistic sentence, not one with dramatic generalities like kids sometimes write. Add a sentence that tells about real skills and practices that you will need to have in college -- ones that require fearless uninhibitedness.
Is uninhibitedness even a word?!!
