Hello there, I'm trying to get into University of Wisconsin-Madison with this essay but i am not sure if this is what the prompt is asking for. Can someone please help me with this asap? Thanks. Really really, thanks!
Prompt: The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Tick; there was nothing but silence. Tock; I crept from my bed into the darkness of the study room downstairs and with one tug, pulled open dad's drawer and reached for the shiniest moonlit fifty cent coin my eyes could find. As I prepared to draw in my loot, I felt something brushing against my skin; and it felt like skin too! My heart, pumping faster by the second, almost burst from the tension until a familiar face came into sight, and a serene peacefulness came over me as I smiled, knowing I will be safe.
Holding my hands, she led me back into my room and tucked me back into bed. Before leaving me, she stared into my ebony eyes, sighed, and told me not to do it again. It was funny how I, being a nine year old could be so affected by this bewildering expression on her face that it got me thinking through the night and from then on, never did steal again.
Her face had always left permanent kisses on mine as she taught me what the world couldn't have. She taught me how to have patience in pursuing after my dreams when the world got speedier. She taught me the value of a simple piece of thrashed paper as she picked it up from the bin with those rough but gentle hands when the world prefers elegant but rough machineries in hoping to quake the world. She even taught me traditions and etiquettes from her 'Melanau' culture which at times could be rather unbelievable but has actually helped me to gain respect and a place in the student council.
Until last two springs ago, when I flew back home to celebrate Chinese New Year, I noticed that she wasn't who she was back then. Her familiar face somewhat faded and got duller. When she couldn't recognize me, her granddaughter for seventeen years, I was heartbroken. I had to recede to the study room as tears were rolling silently down my cheeks. She could remember far back into the past, but not the moments which we have spent so much together, not me.
Alzheimer's impeded the progress of our relationship as communication wasn't all that simple anymore. But, this isn't over yet. My love for her is ageless regardless of circumstances and she has prepared me too well to sit down and do nothing. I am prepared to dedicate all that I am capable of in search of cures, medications or treatments, anything that can help the patients of this disease have a better life. Until then, I have to appreciate and work on what I have now; and what I do have now are ticks and tocks and another new face to learn from.
This is rather well-written.
However,
i am not sure if this is what the prompt is asking for.
I'm afraid your essay does not anwer the prompt.
You did talk about your "particular life experience," but this should somehow show that you will contribute to the university's community.
In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
This is what they are ultimately looking for in your essay.
I think your use of a semi-colon after tick and tock might not be the best way to go. I think it would be either a dash or an ellipsis. (ellipsis is this ... )
You write so well, with such unique rhythm. I think, though, that this is too much narrative and not enough answering the prompt. I mean, if you were assigned to write this as a writing assignment for a class, points might be deducted for writing all about this instead of writing a good composition about contributing to the enrichment of a community.
Luckily, you write so well that revising will be easy!
