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What factors have shaped me - influenced by surrounding people, especially by one boy; my first love


PolinaProto 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2017   #1
Since I am not a native english speaker please give me feedback! (grammar, ideas, thesis, anything wrong pretty much)

"my first love" - summer program application essay



I personally consider my character to be strongly influenced by surrounding people, especially one particular boy. He lived 5,000 miles away but somehow was able to stay in my heart for 3 years. I could have chosen to write about volunteering that inspired me but I will always know that the biggest factor that influenced me was my first love.

"How could one boy influence your entire personality?" you would ask.
The boy had quite an unusual background: his mom was japanese, dad was mexican and they all lived under one roof in the USA. Such unusual circumstances meant that I unconsciously emerged into one of the weirdest households in my life. Coming over always meant hearing exclamations in three or four languages, eating food that had a mixture of various cultures, watching mexican dramas and japanese "doramas". All these things shaped me into an individual that thrives to learn new everyday and respects others.

Intelligence is a particularly dubious subject to discuss, however I believe I became smarter. Getting closer to people means emerging yourself into the world of their interests and this is the way I discovered my passion for international affairs. The boy was an eager UN Models participant so our dialogues would always turn into flaming hot debates about world crisis, inflation, future perspectives for the world. We loved to share what news in our countries say, compare them and then childishly act as if we were giving orders to Joe Biden in the senate to change the situation in the world.

In the rush of mundane routine, I never forgot to think of the boy, ask him about his day. Although it seems normal, the experience taught me to think of someone but myself. I subconsciously became mature, it occurred to me that not everyone is going to remind me of my responsibilities. I kept my brisk perspectives on the world but learned that not everything is going to be easy.

Thinking of old days always puts a smile on my face as I realize that I would never become who I am today without my first love: devoted, passionate and, somehow, already all grown-up.
sugarcanexox 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2017   #2
Try to avoid using excessive words. For example, you can change

"I personally consider my ..."

to

"I believe that my character was strongly influenced by surrounding people, especially a particular boy."

Also, try to use transition words where appropriate. Usually, transition words are placed when talking about a new time and place, or comparing/contrasting ideas

For example, instead of

"He lived 5,000 miles ..."

to

"Although this boy lived 5,000 miles away from me, he somehow stayed in my heart for 3 years"

I will check again later, hope this helps for now :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,766 4768  
Nov 18, 2017   #3
Polina, your approach to this essay is not appropriate. You have made your boyfriend the center of your essay. That is the biggest mistake that you made. His influence should have been seen mostly in how you developed or changed as a person. You are the main character in the essay. The reviewer is not interested in who this boy is and what his character traits are. His interest is in how the presence and influence of this boy shaped who you are today. Who were you before you fell in love with this boy? What changes did his influence bring about in you? Why do you consider these changes within you important? Sell me on the idea that being in love with this boy for 3 years made you a person who is totally different from who you were 3 years ago. I don't see that in this essay. All I see is a young couple's love story and nothing more. This is a weak essay because you chose to tell it from the point of view of rose colored glasses. Instead of being nostalgic, you must be objective in your approach. What is the main influence he had on you? Why did you feel that you needed to change that for him? How did changing that part of you for him create a better version of you for your family, friends, and community? Justify the influence and love that he gave you in that manner.
Codex1717 7 / 17  
Nov 22, 2017   #4
Hello polina,
I think you should focus more on the influence the boy had on you..
What you've stated here is quite vague


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