I am going to apply to the University of Pennsylvania, but I am not sure about my essays
Common App essay:
Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
The failure that I want to relate is connected to the National Olympiad in Mathematics. Ever after I transferred to Gymnasium #1, I had been actively participating in different school contests. My favorite, and consequently, the most abundant in prizes for me were Mathematics contests. I loved everything about all these numbers, logic and reasoning; although now I cannot deny that I didn't work hard enough. My peers spent gruelling hours of cogitating on different problems while I was just enjoying the benefits of my ability to solve these problems without much effort. To be completely honest, I hardly ever, if at all, did the homework my teacher assigned. As a result, I had a firm belief that I was smarter than anyone else, that I was aloof from all these homeworks and problems. I was completely certain I could win any prize without any preparation. Well, now I know how deeply mistaken I was. The time when the wrongfulness of my unduly high opinion of my abilities was to be revealed to me came when I was in the 7th grade. This is the first grade when students are first allowed to participate in National Contests. My teacher tried her best to get me prepared, although I persistently resisted all her attempts. Anyway, my skills were good enough to get me through school and regional stages. The first doubts visited my mind when I was at the district stage. There was this short squeaky garrulous boy who was better than I. I was unwilling to admit it, but the results were not to be argued with. I was the second. I did qualify for the final stage - the National Olympiad in Mathematics. It didn't matter for me, I was devastated because I was not the best. Well, this stage of the contest had an even better surprise for me. By that moment I already didn't have that high opinion of myself, but there was another hit coming. Guess what place I took? It was the last one! To say the least, it was humiliating. But also very salutary. I finally admitted that I am not the best in this world. Besides that, I learned more. First, I realized that nothing can be attained without arduous work. Had I studied harder (or even studied at all), I would have had a better result. Second, I learned that the higher you get, the smarter men you get to know. So no matter how hard you work, there will always be someone who is better, who has something to teach you. And the final and I believe the most important thing: one can't achieve anything without having a definite goal. I was simply participating because my teacher told me.
I think I owe all my further successes to this failure. After this misfortunate year, I shifted to informatics. I liked this subject more, and I was ready to trudge through indefinite topics and problems because it gave me pleasure. In this subject I found mathematics I liked and lots of logic that I adore most of all. I enthusiastically approached every problem, worked on every my mistake. With avidity I devoured books on programming languages and algorithms. I have set a goal to take part in the International Olympiad in Informatics (IOI). Now, after years of work, although I didn't succeed, I still have prizes of different contests and science fairs, some of them international, but I don't even dare to think that I am in any way smarter than others because I know that this is the biggest mistake I ever made and I am not going to make it again. I have lots to learn, but I have one of the best things - I have passion for the subject of my work, I have a fervent desire to learn as much as possible.
And the penns essay:
Mod comment:One essay at one time please
Could you please help me and point out my mistakes? The common app essays seems too trite to me. Tell me if it is so, maybe I will change the topic.
For Penn's essay I think you need to specify more, like this one -->
I love the attitude of practicality at the University of Pennsylvania. The university offers a great variety of internships and jobs, both national and international. There is even a special opportunity for international students - The U.S. Job Search for International Students. Indeed, the University of Pennsylvania has one of the best facilities for international students - The International Student and Scholar Services is always ready to assist students from other countries.
Penn AO already knows it, tell them something about how you connect to it.
For the common application, I dnt know for sure whether failure is a good topic to choose since it can reflect a lot of flaws on you and therefore backfires your application. Anyway, the first thing I notice is that you really need to make the whole story into several paragraphs. Or otherwise readers might not want to continue reading and just skip the whole paragraph. (AOs do not have much time.)
I agree with the guy before me. Structuring in different paragraphs would be good. Besides that, maybe writing a few sentences in almost story-book style where you narrate the sadness you felt when you couldn't answer enough questions ... something along those lines - opening with something like this sparks interest in the reader.
Cheers,
