Okay...
This is the first draft...I do not find if it right I as I state it, but that's the point...I think.
Please focus on sentence structure and if I must add or remove something...or if I should rewrite the whole essay...This is a Christian U. that is why the quote at the end...
Prompt: Our motto is "Faithfulness, Wisdom, Service." How does this motto relate to your personal beliefs, experience and ideals?
Since I can remember, my life and its actions have been there to serve someone. I have served in two different countries and in more than five different cities. Thus also, I am a server in my current community in all possible ways. I know that if I do something, I must do it with a reason (to help); this could be...my family, my friends, my teachers, an indigent, me.
I have grown serving since my appearance of a simple and dusted seed to be the strong oak I am now-with different branches and roots-but with only one straight rule that set my trunk. To be wise. Although I am breaking my rule because I am not wise yet, at the same time I am not breaking it; I am trying to be wise, which at the same time is wise. Therefore I am not overruling that important rule-I am not wise, but my actions are. Wisdom is truly the most precious rock in the world; heavy for the fullness of responsibilities it has, but precious, because once you have it you will not want it to leave you.
Through my parents, I have learned not only to be dedicated and assertive, but also creative and faithful to my beliefs and values. I have learned the power of wisdom without yet having it: the dedication it takes to be faithful to your values. But most important, I have learned the reason of serving: to be served you must serve first (And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. [Luke 6:31])
What if you have a short memory? Rather than "life and its actions", try actions taken in life or an alternate improvement. Not quite sure what you mean by serve. Because you have served in different places, you are therefore a server in your community in all possible ways? Is there some hidden link between the first and second statement (conclusion) that only astute people can tease out? Yes, common sense has it that we do things for a reason. Even reading into your parenthetical expression, a person can't get far. Based on these observations, my judgment yells that you need to scrap the essay; but then as I think about it, my judgment predicts it would say the same for the next essay and the next. More than anything else, have a look at the errors and surmise what to do of your own accord.
Thank you for the shot of reality. Hopefully you did what had to be done. I will change the essay.
I understand your points.
I will change the first sentence to what you suggest, but about the short memory thing, that is why I talked about myself growing up, to give an example of my growth physically and mentally.
I mention "serve" as to be there (I agree with you. I will definitely change that.) Also, I will specify more about those statements about my community.
Common sense say we do things for a reason, but how wide is common sense if people still do things for no reason, which of course is an unreason, right? Common sense is limited to some people.
Yes. I will change the essay. Not to sound disrespectful, but you do not need to be predicting things base on judgment of this type. I appreciate the help, but you should be motivating and not discouraging. "...,my judgment predicts it would say the same for the next essay and the next."
Thank you again. =)
Check it...please.
Does this sound better?
Since I can remember, the actions taken in my life have been there for someone. I have been helping individuals; people that have either the fortune or misfortune to cross roads with me. I have been not omniscient to the service of my communities-two countries; five cities. I know that the reason to help individuals-my family, my friends, my teachers, an indigent, me-could not be defined neither telling it nor writing it, because it is more than just words written or spoken; it is a feeling of doing what is right.
For as long as I can remember, the actions I have taken have been intended for the benefit of other people. here for someone. I have been helping individuals -- people that have either the fortune or misfortune to cross roads with me. ---if you helped them, it was fortune.
I have been not omniscient ??? what do you mean to say here?
I have been of service to my communities - five cities in two countries. I know that the reason to help individuals (no need to always call us individuals)
I know that the reason to help my family, my friends, my teachers, and myself could be defined neither through speech or writing , because it is more than just words written or spoken; it is a feeling of doing what is right.
I like your ideas!! You will be a great writer during this life if you make sure to read classic literature and develop your writing style!
