This is my last essay I must write for my UCF application and it would be great if you could read and edit it. Please tell me if this is a good essay and whether I stayed on topic. I also feel that I became too repetitive in some parts and added miscellaneous information so if you see anywhere that I am would you tell me how to fix that? Thank you so much!
Essay Topic: How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
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Whether or not we will admit it our families have a major influence on who we are as a person. It is our families ' history, culture, and environment that mold and shape us into the person that we are today. Respect, the importance of education, my values in life, and my personality are just some of the principles that I have gained through the influence of my family .
The way education is viewed in my family is passed down from one generation to another. When both of my parents were younger, back when they were living in Vietnam, education was their main focal point in life. My grandparents stressed the importance of education and made sure that each and every one of their children received one. Now, just like my grandparents, my parents' stresses to my brother and me how important education is and tries to make sure we receive a good education. It is because of my parents that education comes first in my life and why I strive everyday in school to get good grades .
Being raised in a Vietnamese culture has a big influence on my personality, from the way I act to the things I do . It is very important in the Vietnamese culture to respect elders and it is expected that every child does so. I was taught this at a very young age and it has been embedded in me ever since. I have come to be respectful not only to my elders but to everyone around me as well.
Growing up my parents were constantly telling me stories about how easy I have it in life, with all the technology that is given to me and privileges that I have. I have always found their stories to be annoying and felt that all they were trying to do was pester me but all along they just wanted me to learn a lesson. Through my parents stories I have learned to appreciate everything that is given to me and to never take anything or anyone for granted.
As I get older I have realized that it is because of my family that I am the person that I am today. Without my family I would have never cared about my education as much as I do now, learn to respect the people around me, and appreciate all that is given to me.
I don't think you're redundant; I think you're just fully explaining your reasoning, and with good examples. If you'd like to make the examples a little bit stronger, you could include examples of how specifically you are respectful to others around you. That could add a little more depth to the piece.
xoxoheartx3;
I apologize, I accidentally clicked on the wrong link and removed your latest posting :( !
I am truly sorry!
Would you post the new part of it only here and I can look at it?
Again, I'm sorry!
Thank you.
Here is my revised essay. I combined paragraphs 3 & 4 and add information in paragraph 3. Please tell me what else i need to do to make this essay better. thank you!
Thank you :)
Let's see:
"For instance, if someone criticizes me on something that I know I am doing correctly , instead of arguing with them I will just smile, take their criticism, and move on. I also learned to be considerate of other peoples' opinions and to thank whomever has helped in any way ."
"...learned to respect the people around me,...
Much nicer.
Regards,
Gloria
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