Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I'm not sure which topic of my essays would be better for my application. For the first one, I wrote on what my parents wanted me to write about, my major. I personally don't like this essay but my parents say that it's best that I write about why I'm choosing this specific major. For the second essay, I wrote my honest thoughts on the prompt (still unfinished). Although I prefer this essay, I feel that I might be going off topic. I would really appreciate some advice.
Essay 1: I come from a family of accountants. My grandmother, my parents, my aunts, and even my cousins are all accountants. Although it may seem like a boring major, accounting is actually very practical. It's not restricted by industry, economy, location, etc. For example, every business, no matter how small, needs an accountant to set up bank accounts, manage business expenses, generate financial statements, and file tax returns. I will use my family as an example. Both of my parents came to the United States as foreign students. After pursuing their Master degrees, my parents got their first jobs with basic salaries. A year and a half later, they bought their very first house. Couple years after that, we moved from our smaller home to a larger one. During the next ten years, they have acquired three investment properties, a piece of land, and two vacation homes. I asked them how they did it. They told me as long as you can budget your income and expenses ahead, you will have a pretty decent life. That's why I decided to choose finance and accounting major. My plan is to pursue BS and MBA degrees, get a CPA license, then work in a big 4 firm to get working experiences. Finally, my dream is to open my own CPA firm. I will use my knowledge to teach people to handle their money wisely.
Essay 2: To be completely honest, I don't know what my dream is. Ever since I was little my dreams changed. When I was four, I wanted to be a pianist, but later I despised the instrument after years of mandatory practice. At age five, I wanted to be a ballet dancer, but then I discarded the dream after seeing the bruises and blisters on the ballerinas' feet. At age ten, I wanted to be an artist, but that dream grew to be nothing more than just a hobby as I learned from my parents that I could never make proper living that way. At age twelve, I wanted to try singing after viewing the bright and cheerful choir performances from the nearby high school; however, that desire faded as well when my mother told me that that dream was impossible and unrealistic. Most of my dreams and aspirations have been shaped by my parents' ideals. They want me to be well-educated and have a well-paid job. Although their ideals seem boring, they aren't wrong.
Honestly, the essay 1 is good.It shows that you know what your doing next and makes you a look a responsible student. email me at ashim2712(a.t) hot.mail . I have an essay and i want you read it.I don't want to risk losing it to plagiarists.
hey, are you from China? >,<
frankly speaking, I think prompt 1 lacks passion and is kinda boring, too practical...I personally think you'd better not mention making money no matter how your parents think...
as for prompt 2, I could exactly understand your feelings, but it sounds like complains and inquisitions rather than a logical essay... and you forget to talk about the world you live in...
goooooooooooood luck anyway:)))))
Thanks for your comment. I am Chinese but my parents are from China, not me. I'm trying to make my essay first essay have a bit more of my opinions than just practicality. Luckily, my aunt is helping me and she's very good at writing essays in English.
Thanks again for the feedback!
I like you're first essay because it makes you seem hardworking, practical, and realistic. Your second essay however makes you seem completely controlled by your parents and unwilling to pursue any of the dreams that are actually yours. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I would definitely use the first essay. That being said, you do a lot of explaining of accounting in that essay. Hopefully, any admissions officer already knows what accounting is. I would get rid of that and use the space to talk a little more about YOU. After all, the people reading your essays don't know anything else about you as an individual.
An issue I see with both of your essays are that you start to write a biography about yourself, like a little timeline. It's ok to draw upon your experiences, but when it becomes
at age ten, i did x
at age twelve, i wanted to x
at age fourteen, i believe in x
It's a little cookie cutter, kinda generic. It's good to be honest, because you want to stand out. They don't care about what your parents did, that make your essay seem juvenile, which is a big no-no. Although the influence of your family is alright to mention, it matters what you want, because you don't want to give off the vibe of "I'm doing accounting because that's what everyone in my family does." You start listing a bunch of reasons why accounting is practical, that's unnecessary, they already know what accounting is.
Although it may seem like a boring major, accounting is actually very practical. It's not restricted by industry, economy, location, etc. For example, every business, no matter how small, needs an accountant to set up bank accounts, manage business expenses, generate financial statements, and file tax returns.
This sounds so textbook, you're trying to hard. Say why it interests YOU. Is it because you've always been drawn to the behind-the-scenes of business life? Or maybe you've always wanted to be the puppeteer helping businesses move, similar to the wonders of a dismantled clock?
From your first essay, I barely know anything about you, as you talk a lot about your parent's exploits and success, but what about your own? I understand that it asks what world you came from, but bear in mind that it asks how it shaped you. Focus more on how all those things affected you, what was your point of view, instead of relaying all this factual information that anyone can look up.
Your second essay speaks to me greatly. It has a lot of potential, and it's sad to see it wither away at the end. I feel like you're trying to be honest but your parents are kinda doing the strict-asian-parent thing. Notice the passion at which you wrote about the blisters when you wanted to be a ballerina, the cheerful practices of choir. That sort of imagery and personality is something important, because that's the kind of thing that will remain in their heads. Don't sell yourself short by saying "my parents want something I don't want," if you ever write something negative, be sure to follow it up with a positive statement, or how you improved.
I recommend you work on both of them, and really try to paint a better image of yourself. You're trying to show the school who you are, not sell to them why they should add another accountant.