My family's conflict and how I was influenced (determination and fairness)

Common App Prompt:
-A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you

-Topic of your choice
(I am not sure which topic this essay applies to)

The "other people" as my father calls them, no doubt his family's side, have always said that his children were failures. His mother hinted that I was useless because once I grow up and get married, the family last name will disappear. I am, as they call it, incomparable to the sons that my father's brothers have. I admit I have faults and what they say have, to some extent, truth. But, my life is shaped based on my parents' teachings and that is what shaped me yet did not create me. On a Sunday morning, my father asked "are we good parents? Have we done our job?" I smiled and said "you have given me beyond life." I gazed into the sky, closed my eyes, smiled, and said "gong ping."

My father's brother said that I was a misanthropic person and it was my mother's fault that I had no friends, no fashion sense, and bad grades. Every time they said this, my father will fight with my mother and arguments will ensue. I resolved to work harder to push my academic grades so that I will accomplish what my parents wanted. I admit striving for the grades was not as easy as I thought. I thought sticking my head in a book and locking up in my room would accomplish those grades yet, my desired grades did not appear on the report cards. I would sometimes cry and wonder if it was foolish to strive in my AP Language and Composition class which I found the hardest. Yet, I found comfort in the music I played on the piano and flute.

Whenever I felt life was impossible, I would find solace in my joy. For when I sat next to the piano or held up the flute, I could feel my emotions coursing through the instrument and reverberate around the room until, they will disappear. Sometimes the piano or flute will not completely absorb my sadness. I would sit in my room and watch the sunset, letting its light shine endlessly upon me. Watching it will force me to realize that just like the sun will never fade in a billion years, so will my heart. Even if the sun was setting, it was taking a brief respite for a new day. The promising hope that everyday offers is life, a new start. Only when I let go of the light will I ever stop to strive. Thus, I seek out my teachers to help me understand whether it is a simple math question that I had the answer but did not know how I got it or advice on writing. What I strive, is beyond the answer; I strive for the reason.

I have now conquered my academic grades but, I was missing something. I was missing contact with my peers and the world around me. I have always been timid and that was what prevented me from meeting new people. So I volunteered in the American Red Cross to help out people and collect food for shelters. There was a necessity to respect people who did not want to donate and how to work with the other volunteers. I also worked in the Manhasset Public Library in which I helped inspire young children to read and aid the librarians. I also opened up in my school every year. I would never volunteer to speak in class in 9th or 10th grade but in 11th, the challenging classes made me aware of the necessity to work together with other students. This made me aware of the peer pressure between cliques. Students would be pressured into smoking, drinking, or taking drugs. But, I resolved to make friends who will not judge me based on my actions, looks, or opinions. What I am is what people will have to see me. Nobody can force me to change for their own enjoyment. I don't want acceptance; I want what people see who I am and in respect, I will not judge anybody anyway differently. The respect in how people will see me is how I will respectfully see them.

I have proven to my family, dulled the chaos coming from my father's family. But is this the apex? No. I have merely overcame an obstacle and now must battle my way through the dense forest. But one thing I will never forget is "gong ping." My father's family was mistaken in judging me and I will not carry out his mistake. Just as the sun will never die, my courage will take me beyond.

Thank you for taking the time.

Thank you very much for the advice. It was very helpful to have another opinion. For example I would not have picked up on the fact one part of my essay had a bad tone "I'm bad, but you have to accept it." I would not have picked this up because sometimes the Chinese language has a different way to explain something. Thank you for the time and your help.

always glad to be of service, Nancy)

Here is my personal essay for the common app which allows us to choose our topic. I'm not sure which one it applies to. I'll be grateful for anybody's opinion. I am a quite bit over the word limit (over 50).

-A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

-Topic of your choice.

The adversities in life are what create a person. Whether I conquer them or be destroyed, it is my choice. The "other people," as my father refers to his relatives, have always said that I am a failure. I am, as they say, incomparable to the any of the sons that my father's two brothers have. I admit I have faults and what they say have, to some extent, truth but I believed I was not doomed to failure as they say.

My uncle said that I was a misanthropic person and it was my mother's fault that I had no friends, no fashion sense, and bad grades. Every time they said this, my father would agree with them and blame my mother for being a bad example to me. I resolved to work harder to push my academic grades so that I would accomplish what my parents wanted. I imagined that sticking my head in books and locking myself up in my room would help me reach my goals, yet, my desired grades did not appear on the report cards for many quarters. On the brink of giving up everything, I sat in my room watching the sunset and realized that just like the sun will never fade in many years, so will my courage. Even if the sun was now setting, it was taking a brief respite for a new day; the promising hope that each day offers is life, a new start. I adopted this philosophy that will always stay with me. Even in the darkest of times, there is always "a last hope." The "last hope" isn't and auspicious occasion but rather what I do to actively shape out of destiny. Thus, I sought out my teachers to help me understand certain literary terms or even advice on my essays and I continued to grow every year.

I have now conquered my academic grades and more importantly instilled confidence in myself but, I was missing something. I was unable to connect with the world around me because my diffidence prevented me from meeting new people. I participated in extra curriculum activities and volunteered in the public library to help me get over the fear of interacting with others. Over the years, I slowly realized that I enjoyed helping out others. Through four years of helping others, I enjoyed the benefit of making people's lives easier even if my contribution was small. The smiles on their faces and the fact that I could make somebody happy were enough.

I have proven my worth to my family. But is this the apex? No. I have merely overcome an obstacle and now must battle my way through the dense forest. My father's family was wrong for judging me and I will not carry out their mistake. It was their criticisms that led to my determination. But without the support of my friends, family, and community, my accomplishments would not have been possible. Yet, there are future battles to come where my family, friends, and I can battle through together. What I now take away from my uncle's criticisms is that wealth, gender, or even a person's appearance doesn't matter. Now I can truly see.

Thank you for taking the time.

Your instruction is very good but a litlle bit wordy. So here is my sample introduction. Let's see whether it is better:

There is one saying: "It is difficulties that show what men are". My following story is a clear example for that statement. I was once considered to be a failure not by anyone but my family. My father and his relatives always compared me to my cousins and concluded that I was incomparable to them in every field. I admit that no one is perfect but I deny to be worthless.


I would rather change the wordmisanthropic into reserved. Because I think "misanthropic" overwhelms the actual problem.


This would do better:I would live up to my parents' expectations


I prefer to break this sentence into 2 complete ones. "On the brink of giving up everything, I sat in my room watching the sunset. Suddenly, I realized that just like the sun will never fade in many years, so will my courage." Because when we put a stop at the time you were watching the sunset, the readers would be more curious to find out what would happen next. That's the reason why I suggesting breaking one complete long sentence into short but insightful ones.


I am sorry but I cannot understand what the meaning of this sentence is ^^!


Even in the darkest time there is always a last hope



I have now achieved my wishing academic grades and more importanly improve my confidence. However, I had missed something.


My father's family was wrong for undervaluing me.( This is enough )

Overall, your story is good. The development is quite well but there is still space for improvement. Have a nice day :-)

Thank you very much for the feedback. It was very helpful. Was the message clear or too vague because people tend to not understand me. Again thank you very much for taking the time.

Nancy,
Talking about the topic/content,you have selected a good topic to talk about.
what I feel is You haven't described the transition properly.Try giving some solid references/examples on how you improved you academics.just one sentence sayIng "I sought out my..." is not enough.

also,try to improve your conclusion.It is what most of the admission committee focus on.So,work more on it.

change "but this is the apex? No" to "However, this is not the apex." It makes it look like it's just a filler..you don't want it to look like that.

"The adversities in life are what create a person."mmm, you could say The adversities in life help develop one's character.
"Only I have control of their power. They can destroy me, or I can destroy them."

My uncle said that I was a reserved person, and it was my mother's fault that I was what he considered socially inept. then put the no grades, no fashion sense blah blah part in

Great essay overall. I can really relate. Add a story or illustration with some dialogue and descriptions..maybe of your uncle telling your mom about your lack of meeting up to his standards. :)

Thank you very much for the advice. It was extremely helpful.

Nice work.
Reagrds
As

Thanks