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Family culture/enviroment influences and why i choosed to apply UCF essay


michaelrulaz 2 / 5  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Here are the essay prompts, all help is appreciated.
1. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
2. Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

My family history has had a major impact on my life. Both my parents were addicted to heroin. And my life has been a rocky road. From being taken away by DCF to witnessing horrific events -- including my dad's death and both my parents overdosing on drugs -- I have gained special perspective on the human experiences of disappointment and sorrow. Without a doubt it has influenced who I am, I will not even consider the use of drugs or alcohol because I do not even want to imagine ending up like either one of them. It has driven me to become the very best I can, never accepting failure and working my hardest in school. I now know that the only way to success is if I make something out of myself. And using my wisdom of my family, I know what not to do. I know not to make the mistakes of my father and stay in school, and I know not to even give in the slightest to the temptation of using drugs. So that I can rise above the tragedy, that was my parents and my early childhood, and create a better life for me. Having this knowledge I know that it will push my studies at UCF, so I can graduate and become a lawyer and help out families just like mine and give back to the community that supported me in my darkest hour.

I chose to apply to UCF for multiple reasons; one of those reasons is that that it's been a tradition for me. Going to campus visits and just being amazed by the sheer size of the campus, all the students heading to their classes, the knight's football team and their victories. I want to be a part of something larger, than I am. All the while staying in the state and in the area I love. I want to be able to see my family for every holiday or just because I feel like it. I am not just going to attend UCF; I am going to be a part of UCF. I want to tell my friends and people I meet that I have been to a school that invokes a great tradition in the community. Not to mention that UCF has an amazing academic program, many wonderful clubs that fit my individual interests. Out of all the universities I have looked into UCF offers the most of any university or college that I have looked into, with numerous clubs such as; the knight riders; the gaming club; and the UCF psychology club, just to name a few. These clubs will like minded people, which I will develop lifelong friendships with. UCF will finish my transference to the 'real world" and more than aptly prepare me for my future goals and career.UCF is not just a university to me, it's a lifestyle.
McGregor10 4 / 20  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
"Without a doubt it has influenced who I am, I will not even consider the use of drugs or alcohol because I do not even want to imagine ending up like either one of them"

Remove the comma and make it two sentences.

I chose to apply to UCF for multiple reasons; one being that it's been a tradition for. Watching the knights, play all those games.

You need to revise this sentence; it doesn't make sense.

UCF offers the most of any university or college that I have looked into

I would start of the sentence, "Out of all the universities I have looked into". Also, you need to elaborate more on what they offer (i.e., wide range of courses, programs e.c.)

Not to mention that UCF has an amazing academic program, many wonderful clubs that fit my individual interests, whenever I think of UCF I think of the golden knights and their victories and being able to look at my other friends who chose different universities and be able to "rub" it in that UCF beat their college.

I would rewrite this entire section as it doesn't make much sense. The last sentence is not appropriate for a college admissions essay.

By that way, you deserve a pat on your back for overcoming all the adversity you've faced in your life. It was definately humbling reading this essay!
OP michaelrulaz 2 / 5  
Dec 14, 2009   #3
thanks for the advice
and thank you
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 15, 2009   #4
Overdose is one word, not two.

I think you need to bolster the connection between the tragedies and the application to this school. Obviously, these experiences must play a big role in determining your worldview, and so they must influence your choice of career. How is this school perfect for someone with your career intentions?

See, at the end, you just talk very generally about how the school has many wonderful clubs and an amazing program, but what makes it better for you, specifically better for you, with your specific insights, intentions, and interests?

This sentence is unclear:
From being taken away by DCF, to witnessing horrific events, of my dad deaths, to either one of my parents over dosing on drugs.
how about:
From being taken away by DCF to witnessing horrific events -- including my dad's death and both my parents overdosing on drugs -- I have gained special perspective on the human experiences of disappointment and sorrow.
OP michaelrulaz 2 / 5  
Dec 15, 2009   #5
Thank for your advice, i changed the things you both recommended and changed a few other things. heres the newest version, again thanks for all the help.


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