Hello! I need opinions and help from different people. I have mixed thoughts about my essay and would really appreciate any help. This is for undergraduate admission. Thanks a lot.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In the small city of Alhambra one can expect to be enthralled by its immigrant culture. Exploring this suburb is equivalent to traveling through different corners of the world, grabbing them and mashing them into one melting pot. Separate neighborhoods dominated by different ethnicities collaborate to celebrate citywide festivities. Nestled in between Los Angeles, Monterey Park, Pasadena, and smack dab in the heart of the six two six area code, Alhambra is a city one may overlook. But the ones that do discover this place become immersed in its mixed culture and find peace as if they are right at home.
Generations of my family have lived in this city for over 40 years and they embody the various citizens.My mother was born and raised in the bustling streets of Hong Kong while my father sprung from the humble countryside of China. Although they were not very geographically far apart, they were very far apart in language. The Chinese language has a vast amount of dialects and my parents, from different provinces, speak dialects that aredifferent from each. Growing up in between my parents, I needed to learn both dialects since I needed to communicate with both sides of my family.
When I would talk to a cousin from my father's side, he or she would laugh at me since I didn't really master both languages individually, but rather often mixed the two in some parts of speech making it obvious that I wasn't a "true Chinese". When I traveled to Hong Kong alone at the age of 12, I expected to be welcomed but I was looked at as another Americanized Chinese tourist. In Asia, I found it very difficult to communicate with others in this mixed dialect, but in America it seems as if my parents and their respective families do not mind the trouble and act as if the contrasting dialects were nonexistent. When there are family gatherings, with my paternal grandparents who reside with us and visiting aunts, uncles, and cousins from Hong Kong, everyone is overjoyed and talkative.
I realized then that my family had no trouble communicating through these different dialects because they didn't care about the complications. They are one; they are family. I see now that barriers such as language and different dialects cannot hold back such aninclusive and presiding force. We find a way to communicate to each other in order to support one another throughout life. To me, working and living together while setting aside our differences is the ultimate way to improve the quality of life and find true happiness though multi-generational family.
I am now more cognizant of how I want to raise my future family and understand that slight hindrances cannot falter the most important ideal of family and communion. My cultural heritage, however mixed, is essential to me and passing along the language and customs to my children will be a life goal.
I think you need to expand on the "reflection" portion of the essay. The below quote seems like a rather brief transition and an insufficient expansion on the topic. Maybe talk about and describe a specific family gathering and talk about how, observing the levels of laughter, camaraderie, joy ... etc. and how you realized that family, no matter how divided by language, custom ...etc. always finds a way to bond and thrive
"In Asia, I found it very difficult to communicate with others in this mixed dialect, but in America it seems as if my parents and their respective families do not mind the trouble and act as if the contrasting dialects were nonexistent. When there are family gatherings, with my paternal grandparents who reside with us and visiting aunts, uncles, and cousins from Hong Kong, everyone is overjoyed and talkative."
Although there is a split word limit between the UC prompts, try to devote more words to the reflection...it's the most important part of any personal statement.
Your reflection mainly deals with "raising a family" -- something well off in the future (and not even certain); while you can talk about that, your reflection should deal with how your experience shaped your outlook/dreams of going to college or getting a career. This doesn't have to be obvious and you could simply talk about how the experience changed/influenced educational goals.
Otherwise, a decent essay...the middle descriptive part was perhaps my favorite "Generations of my family have lived in this city for over 40 years...contrasting dialects were nonexistent."
I think your hook could be improved upon..." In the small city of Alhambra one can expect to be enthralled by its immigrant culture."
I would change that sentence: "Travel to the small city of Alhambra, and expect to be enthralled by its immigrant culture" I dunno just some ideas :)
Well... Good luck. What majors and UC's are you applying for?
