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How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person.


nkhattri 6 / 33  
Nov 22, 2009   #1
1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.*

I am a teenager who aspires to fulfill my dreams and aspirations. I plan to use the insight I have gained from my background to positively change the world.

As the first member of my family to become a citizen of the United States, I had a unique upbringing which influenced me to persevere and achieve my goals. My parents moved to America, their land of opportunity, to build a future for themselves and their children. Because they were from modest backgrounds in India and were raised in the poorest states, my parents initially struggled to succeed. To make matters more difficult, they were educated in local dialects and spoke very little English. Nevertheless, believing in their capacity to achieve and intent on success, both pursued higher education. I am truly inspired by how sheer determination and hard work have empowered them to excel in their professional environments. I am proud of my mother who has achieved significant successes without sacrificing her traditional roles as a wife and mother. As a teacher, she has been recognized nationally for her excellence in technology integration and has been promoted to an administrative position in her school district. My mother's story is a reflection of the potential our country has as the melting pot of the world, and it has taught me to embrace new experiences and people.

Growing up in Edison, New Jersey also epitomizes this ideal because I am surrounded by neighbors, fellow classmates, and teachers who have their own success stories.

My exposure to a diverse community and my family background have inspired in me the desire to positively change the world. Ultimately, my goal is to redress injustice in the world by contributing to the field of political science. To begin fulfilling my aspirations, I have been an activist for the rights of the elderly, children, and animals. I have also aligned myself with numerous organizations which aim to endorse change through direct assistance (should I give an example?). My admiration for the righteousness of our government has also been demonstrated through my interest in history and the legal system. Apart from the rigorous history courses that I have taken during high school, I participated in a ten day program that discussed civil and criminal law. Through lectures, simulations, and debates, I was able to grasp the key concepts of our justice system. Apart from academics and extra-curricular activities, I am motivated to effect positive changes in the world. My steps toward becoming a public servant have reinforced the significant roles that education and dedication have played in creating a well-rounded and informed student and citizen. I believe that my exposure to diversity has been a source of inspiration, has made me a more sensitive human being, and has prepared me for the rigors of a four year college education.

I'm new to this and I'd really appreciate the help, and I'll be sure to edit your work as well.
Thank you!

Naveena Khattri

cuddles 3 / 10  
Nov 22, 2009   #2
By average standards, I am a teenager who aspires to fulfill my dreams and aspirations. However, as an individual, I plan to use the insight I have gained from my background to fulfill my dreams - redundant

of enacting beneficial change in the world- this sentence is a bit clumsy. Change it.

My parents moved to America, their land of opportunity. If you put this within commas, you will be sounding sarcastic or telling the readers they don't know something you do, which of course you will have to reveal in your essay. If that is the case, use the commas.

I am particularly inspired by my mother who has achieved significant successes without sacrificing her traditional roles as a wife and mother- don't tell me you can count success!!

mother's is correct
embrace sounds better

As for the simple, grammatical errors microsoft word will point them out for you.

BTW, what is this for?? common app??
OP nkhattri 6 / 33  
Nov 23, 2009   #3
No its for UC Apps. and thanks for the insight.
colorfuloving 6 / 31  
Nov 23, 2009   #4
Why hello (:

First off, maybe you should consider a more catchy opening line?

My exposure to a diverse community and my family background have inspired me in the desire to positively impact the world (to positively change the world?) - could do without the part in red [:

"the elderly (the elderly are humans too)" - this part is awkward. Maybe take out that parenthetical comment, or just take out "humans" earlier in the sentence? --- unless it's one of those extra comments you made as part of your editing/questions... I can't really tell hahaha

I opted to participate (participated?) - I'd go with participate.

I like your general idea a lot (and pol. sci has always sounded fascinating to me, so that's awesome)! Maybe you should work a bit more on overall flow - the story about your parents is very cool but then transitioning from that to "redressing injustice" doesn't seem connective. Also, you shouldn't beat around the bush with your wording. I think adcoms would appreciate something more straightforward and sincere than something laden with fancy vocab (I really need to work on this too lol).

Good luck [[:
OP nkhattri 6 / 33  
Nov 23, 2009   #5
Colorloving, can you read through that. It's been thoroughly edited so let me know if you find anything wrong with it. the parenthetical stuff is alternate ways to state waht i'm trying to get at but i'm not sure which ones work better.

Thanks.
colorfuloving 6 / 31  
Nov 25, 2009   #6
heyhey [:

alrighty, the revised version flows much better!

I still think you could do with a better opening buuut that's just me *__*

they were educated in local dialects - a bit unclear

About those organizations which you have been aligned with - I think you could do without examples because you must have mentioned those organizations somewhere in your application already [:

I think the sentence about growing up in Edison (hey, I think I have relatives there! haha) is superfluous. Your essay would flow just as nicely from the "My mother's story" to the "My exposure" sentences, imho.

Also, you use "positively change the world" AND "effect positive changes in the world." Maybe change one of those -- they're in the last paragraph.

Other than that, I like your last paragraph (strong words!), and I hope you do well [:

~btw, will you read my essay about k-pop? :D
Psyche - / 4  
Nov 25, 2009   #7
Hi,

I was reading your first paragraph and saw we have quite a bit in common, if you would like you could check out my second paragraph here (check my profile) to help you out in the writing process. Good Luck!
OP nkhattri 6 / 33  
Nov 28, 2009   #8
thanks guys!
channy - / 15  
Nov 28, 2009   #9
"I am a teenager who aspires to fulfill my dreams and aspirations. "
i would try not putting the words "dreams and aspirations" in the beginning of your essay since its in the prompt. it sort of sounds like u are just restating the prompt and you should be more personal...let your voice be heard with this essay!
OP nkhattri 6 / 33  
Nov 28, 2009   #10
thanks i revised the whole essay and submitted it today.
dcarreno1 1 / 20  
Nov 28, 2009   #11
You might want to change aspire to inspire

AsBeing the first member of my family to become a U.S. citizen of the United States , I had a unique upbringing whichthat influenced me to persevere and achieve my goals.

As a teacher, she has been recognized nationally for her excellence in technology integration, and has been promoted to an administrative position in her school district.

Aspirations are not clear. OH you already submit it. GOOD LUCK then :)


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