'family doctor' - SUNY Plattsburgh and Rutgers University

Hi all, this is the essay I wrote for both universities, thanks so much in advance for the help :)

SUNY Plattsburgh :
1) why do you choose SUNY Plattsburgh?
2) what do you want to major at SUNY Plattsburgh and what you want to do after graduation?
3) describe your family, who stays in your house? And how they do fora living?

Rutgers university:
Describe how Rutgers's education would help you in your future?

Ever since I was young, I was fascinated and amazed by our family doctor. Being sick is one of the things I hated the most. That uncomfortable feeling made me weak, forcing me to withdraw from my normal lifestyle. When the illness befalls me, my parent will give a call to our family doctor. Just by listening to my chest with a stethoscope, measuring my body temperature with a thermometer device that the doctor put in my ear and, looking into my throat with a small mirror, the doctor will be able to pinpoint exactly what's wrong with me. Hence, by taking the medicine that he prescribed to me, I am a healthy person again in just days or weeks. It all seems like magic to me and that is the time when I know I want to be a doctor to help sick people from suffering. (Somehow, this sentence don't feel right, or is it just me?)

However, as I got older, I realized that the journey of a physician is not an easy one. It takes many years of hard work, discipline and, most importantly-- passion to achieve that dream. This made me questioned myself, "Would I be able to make it? Would there be any other fields that will attract me? Would my parents able to support me to study in a university in the United States?" Questions filled my mind as the days wore on but my biggest concern was the financial support from my parents as studying medicine is not only time consuming but also very expensive. Raised up in a family of five, my parent's hopes weigh down on my shoulders as I am the eldest son. My mom who is a draftswoman and my dad who is a freelance real estate agent always urged me to study hard so I would succeed in life and would hopefully be able to lighten their financial burdens to be able to care for my younger siblings. That is why I had second thoughts of pursuing my dream since young. ( I wanted to convey that my parents financial problem gives me this thought because studying medicine is very very costly.)

Therefore, I worked in several fields as part time when I started my college studies in HELP University to broaden my horizons and also to pay for my living expenses. I had worked as a retail sales representative, barista in coffee shop and, teacher in a primary school tuition centre and I had met a lot of people from all walks of life. They shared their success stories, told me their ups and downs when chasing their dream and taught me many life lessons that I would never learn from textbooks. Needless to say, they sculpted a part of me and enable me to view things in a different perspective. Even though, I had met many people and learned different things, I am still struggling to look for something I like besides doing medicine but of no avail. This had bothered me for a long time and it affected me, academically and emotionally.

Soon, my parent found out about what is happening on me and we talked about it. "Son, you're thinking too much," My dad said, "All you need to do is follow your passion, know your dream and fly towards it, you have our full support!"

At that moment, I felt really lucky, not only have chances to pursue my own dream, I have such loving and supportive family. My attitude had changed since. With such support and encouragement from my family, things seem to be better. Knowing having such strong "backbone", it gave me strong dedication to work harder in academics and also not to forget my main priority. For the main priority of my life, I want to let my parent to be proud of me, and also to cure the sick and let them smile, and to do so, it will take much dedication and learning. I believe that, good universities like SUNY Plattsburgh which provides top notch education in biology at an affordable price; I will learn and apply the knowledge and skills to attend a medical school. Also, as a non commuter student, a large diversity of people in SUNY Plattsburgh will definitely help me in all aspects. With the help of SUNY Plattsburgh, I would have a strong foundation and will be prepared to excel in a medical school then; I will cure and let the frowning sick patients be happy healthy man again.

problem with:
*they sculpted a a part of me and ENABLED** me to view things
*try to stay away from the word "things"
*this sentence:
-I am still struggling to look for something I like*ADD LONG DASH-- besides doing medicine but of no avail. This had bothered me for a long time and it affected me **BOTH academically and emotionally.

*Soon, my parent*S* (plural) found out about what is happening ON me?... i'm pretty confused about that diction
*this sentence:
At that moment, I felt really lucky: not only DO I have chances to pursue my own dream, BUT ALSO have such a loving and supportive family.

*this sentence:
Knowing having such strong "backbone", it gave me strong dedication to work harder in academics and also not to forget my main priority.

change possible sentence: Knowing that I have such a strong "backbone gives me both strong dedication to work harder in academics and a strong reminder to NOT forget my main priorities. (you have to try to make them paralell andmore sophisitcated

*it is non-commuter

*will be prepared to excel in a medical school then; I will cure and let the frowning sick patients be happy healthy man agai
take out the then ^
fix "I will cure the sick patients and make then the happy healthy men they deserve to be.

Needs some proofreading, otherwise, great essay!