Unanswered [21] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

UC Essay #1: My family and my dreams


JennB2288 2 / 6  
Nov 18, 2009   #1
I need to keep this essay around 300 words since my other UC essay is really long..ugh...
Please help me develop the essay more, without using more words!!

1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Hyper, crazy, unruly, and lackadaisical as a child, I was a clear antithesis to my hardworking, disciplined family. While I was the spoiled youngest child, fawned over and cared for, my parents and sister lived in an altogether different way. With self-driven motivation, my mother and father immigrated to America and worked themselves up from living in near poverty to quickly climbing up the corporate ladder, attaining their current high managing positions. My sister, Cathay, mirrored my parent's best attributes, and used her intense competitive nature to become valedictorian, scholar athlete, and concert mistress during her high school years.

Naturally perfectionists, my parents and sister concentrated their efforts on my upbringing, acting as beacons of responsibility, diligence, and wisdom. Patiently and stringently, my parents slowly ingrained the motto, "Work before play," into my young mind. Even as they arrived home, exhausted from a busy day at the office, they would continue to expend their energy to focus my hyperactive mind on my simple homework assignments and piano practice. Each time I gave in to distraction, my parents would quickly advise, "Pay attention, then you can watch TV." Every time I abandoned my work, quickly defeated by any challenges or difficulties, my sister would remark haughtily but encouragingly, "You gave up already?" Through every tribulation, my family helped me utilize my latent capabilities and intelligence through self control, drive, and work and taught me how perseverance and diligence can lead to success.

Because of my family's support, my dream is to constantly fulfill the limits of my potential. I wish to be an exemplar of what my family has given me, the determination to strive for hard-earned success in everything I pursue, even if I am met with failure after failure. No matter what, I will keep working, knowing that I have come so far already.
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 18, 2009   #2
Sorry, but not so convincing. I expected you to write about rebelling at this point...
"Every time I abandoned my work, quickly defeated by any challenges or difficulties, my sister would remark haughtily but encouragingly, "You gave up already?" Through every tribulation, my family helped me utilize my latent capabilities and intelligence through self control, drive, and work and taught me how perseverance and diligence can lead to success."

THIS IS MOTHERHOOD. DID YOU REALLY BUY INTO THIS?? IT WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING TO READ WHAT YOU REALLY THOUGHT.
zhoudongzhou 5 / 16  
Nov 18, 2009   #3
You should make your essay more organized.Do not throw everything out at one time.That will make readers feel confusing.
h19890623 2 / 3  
Nov 18, 2009   #4
I want to know more about you.
You don't seem you are living in your world.
More focus on how it has shaped you
OP JennB2288 2 / 6  
Nov 19, 2009   #5
Thanks for the feedback...this is just a first draft, I forgot to say lol. So its kinda boring and unpolished right now...I'm going to switch the focus to more about me.

And to linmark: this kind of is what I really thought...although exaggerated...because I like my family...simple as that


Home / Undergraduate / UC Essay #1: My family and my dreams