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UC Prompt #1: Family First

stephbust 1 / 1  
Nov 25, 2009   #1
Hello everyone,

Although my essay isn't finished, I just wanted to get some feedback on what I have so far. I tried to tie in my interest in an Education major with a few stories from my childhood, but I'm not too sure if that's the way to go. I know it's far from perfect, but I was hoping your suggestions and opinions would help me out a bit. Thanks in advance!

Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"I am going to finish college with you, okay Steph?" my dad asked me as we drove up Franklin Street one morning to drop my sister off at her high school. I was in the 7th Grade at the time - six years ago - and his exact words are still clear in my mind to this day. With just two years of college education under his belt, he told me that despite how old he would be, he was determined to graduate from college - this time, with his daughter there to go through the experience with him.

I remember sitting in the backseat, staring at my father and questioning his reasoning in my head. A fifty-one year-old man walking with his eighteen year-old daughter around a college campus to catch their next class? It sounded silly to me. As I deliberated longer, though, I was able to realize that this "silly" thought was what summed up my father perfectly. He was an ambitious and driven man who did not allow any obstacles to stand in the way of what he wanted to achieve. My dad, big on the use of inspirational phrases, even took the time out to print his favorite sayings with a label maker and stick them on our refrigerator. Coincidentally, the expression placed at the center of the refrigerator in the largest font possible was, "If there is ambition, there is success;" there for my family members and I to read day after day. Above all else, my dad was an optimistic man who was able to see the silver lining in dark situations. This optimism, contagious in every sense, was the main element that helped me get through his unexpected death as I began my first year of high school.

Not only did I display certain aspects from family members during hard times, but it seems as if I have been adapting their characteristics and attitudes since the day I was born. I came to love school and learning even before I was a student of any sort and I believe credit primarily goes to my family for that. At an early age, I was able to observe both my grandmothers' passions for education as they took me on frequent visits to the respective schools in which they were teachers. Consequently, my perception of what school was at the time and how it worked carried on into the days where my cousins and I would sit in my grandparent's dining room and play school for hours on end. I found myself becoming more and more eager to go through the real-life school experience with every pretend quiz that was passed out, every art project I was given, and every simulated meeting with "the principal," my eldest cousin.

Now, after more than twelve years of being a student, my enthusiasm for education has not lessened over time. Contrarily, it seems to have blossomed into a newfound appreciation for knowledge and a stronger conviction of what I want to make of my future. My entire life, I took pride and found great satisfaction in knowing that I might have changed a person's life, even by the most minor of ways. I have always admired the teacher that goes beyond simply providing textbook knowledge to their students and makes an effort to build a personal connection with them. Similarly, I hope that one day, through my desired profession in education, I can alter my students' outlooks on life in a positive manner that mirrors the way my father, my grandmothers, my cousins, my teachers, and a select few have inspired me to pursue my dreams and find a silver lining in the darkest of clouds.
jefftwomey 2 / 2  
Nov 25, 2009   #2
I think you have a very good start. I didn't see any grammar errors. I think it would help if you show the other great qualities your father gave you, such as his ambition and determination. Then after that last paragraph about your early infatuation with playing school, you should show how that has carried over into your actual school career.

...as well as other negative circumstances that came my way following that difficult...
Perhaps you could expand on the negative circumstances without using too much space, if that's alright with you. It's just that colleges like to see details more then vague references to know exactly where you are coming from.
MonsieurWise 2 / 21  
Nov 25, 2009   #3
This was very interesting to read_the first one I read about Education major. It was touching when you talked about your father... I also think you have a very good start, hooking readers into the essay naturally. You should get your full essay up here so we can have a more complete picture :).
OP stephbust 1 / 1  
Nov 25, 2009   #4
Thanks for the feedback so far! I'll definitely be posting the full essay up when I get the chance.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2009   #5
Fix this sentence:
Coincidentally, the expression placed at the center of the refrigerator for my family members to read day after day, in the largest font possible, was, "If there is ambition, there is success." there for my family members and I to read day after day.

...enthusiasm for education has not diminished over time. Contrarily t seems to have It blossomed into a newfound appreciation for knowledge and a stronger conviction in what I want to make of my future. Throughout my entire life, I have taken pride and found great satisfaction...

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