Here's my essay. Your comments and suggestions would be very much appreciated!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
What world do I live in? My parents have always said that I live in a matrix world. While this seemed completely nonsensical at first, I now realize that this is ultimately true. Technology, computers, and the internet have pervaded into every aspect of my life and without it I would be utterly lost.
The moment when my parents brought back my family's first computer, my small interest had blossomed into a full blown love. Playing around and experimenting with this new technology, I soaked in as much knowledge as I possibly could while harmlessly learning how to integrate this technology into my daily life.
However, dark times lurked, and the more time I spent on computers, the less time I wanted to spend in the real world. The trap of addictive computer games hovered dangerously close - a trap that I did not manage to escape. Call of Duty commanded hours of my time in a day and my trigger finger itched whenever there was no gaming mouse around. I no doubt would still be lost in those virtual maps had it not been for my parents' firm hand and my discovery of web programming.
Everything changed in high school, where I was determined to make something good come from my overpowering computer addiction. Based on the recommendations of my teachers and peers, I enrolled in the electives Data Design, an informatics and database course, and Web Authoring. Soon, my interests in games dwindled as I became genuinely invested in the knowledge presented by the courses I would soon take; so much so that I taught myself web programming and coded my own website even before Web Authoring started. Thus, by the end of tenth grade, not only had I developed a passion for web design, but I had also earned a computer award that now stood in place of the computer game cases my bookshelf.
In my upperclassmen years, having successfully overcome the pull of gaming, I looked for opportunities outside of class to expand my computer experience. For two summers, I interned at Beijing United Family Hospital's technology department, where I helped coworkers to troubleshoot problems, set up computers, and even help code a PHP-based database website which logged all the hospital's devices. It was an enlightening experience for me, as I not only was exposed to the integration of technology with the working environment, but also acquired many practical skills that would definitely help me in the future. Moreover, I became the technology officer for my school's largest charity organization, Habitat for Humanity, where I created, out of scratch, a fully functional website, and managed all their electronic documents.
Living in a world interconnected by computers, wireless devices, and social media, has played a crucial part in shaping the person I am today. My love for technology has taught me how to solve problems, given me the motivation, and most of all, inspired to become a true innovator of the 21st century.
Your essay can be stronger if you put in computer jargon or more of it. If you want to truly show how computers impact your world or make a strong voice, use computer diction such,"My computer endlessly chimed from the never ending advent of spam mail. Eternity replaced time as I checked each spam mail into my trash tab. Why must I suffer through such a tormenting annoyance of spam email encouraging me to buy logs for my for my fire
place?"
Use computer jaron to bring out the u in you.
Technology, computers, and the internet have pervaded into every aspect of my life and without it (you mean 'them'?) I would be utterly lost.
My love for technology has taught me how to solve problems, given me the motivation (motivation for what?) , and most of all, inspired me to become a true innovator of the 21st century.
Nice job on the whole essay, though:) I agree with the makman 09, maybe you should use more computer jargon, but not too much or the reader would be confused.
Hi,
Nice essay you have. It is answering the question correctly. No much grammatical errors. I have learnt a lot about you in the essay. The essay has brought out your traits really well. What you should change is the computer jargon you have used. It may be difficult for someone, who knows little about computers, to understand.
Keep up.
Success.
On the whole, great job with the essay. But you can use a little more imagery to convey your transition from games to web designing, like how Java/php (some computer jargon) shot down the soldiers of COD. Something like this, which you can think of. Good luck
Your essay answers the question, and there's only minor grammar errors. I'd say that your essay is good, but try following makman09's advice, I agree with him too.
