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'my family friend, Javier.' - Influence Essay


Gttovar 1 / -  
Nov 26, 2011   #1
So i finished my college essay but am not sure of if is okay Can you read it and give me a feedback please! Thank you!

In life there will always be that person who changes your life. That person makes you think about your life and the impact you who become. In my life, this person is my family friend, Javier. He influenced me so many ways possible. The funny thing is that, we act like siblings. We have known each other since birth and we share a special bond. As a child, there was nothing better to do than to spend time with him, But shortly at the age of 13, when he was diagnosed with Lymphoma Cancer. Everyone was shocked and devastated. It was amazing to me that in a matter of seconds you life can change. My friend since birth, who stayed up until 2:00am playing video games on a school night, was now experiencing cat scans, Chemotherapy and horrible hospital food. As the news were new to me, I asked my parents "Why him? Out of all people, why him?" That was everyone's question, but when I thought about it, I realized that Javier's illness was part of a life plan.

Throughout all Javier's pain and suffering he still had the ability to make me laugh. He showed me through laughter, not to take life to seriously because if we don't, we won't be able to enjoy the ride. Through my eyes, watching him, laugh was an inspiration. It was a way of releasing all of the negative, and inhaling the positive. It was a release of energy. It was a moment where he was no longer a boy with cancer, in those few seconds gasping for air; he was Javier, my friend. It was a "Don't Worry, Be happy Moment".

Throughout all of his faults he was always thinking about the future, what was next? He was always thinking outside the hospital walls, dream of success. He taught me that no matter the circumstance we are all capable of reaching, hoping for the best during the worse times. He never let his disease take control over him. Although some days were better than others, he made me realize that life is a precious gift, a gift we all need to take control of, giving it our very all, and most importantly not giving up on our dreams.

Today Javier is in remission. Through his hard times, he grew a passion for cooking, and today he works a 5 star restaurant, in New York City. He followed his dreams so far, and I might as well give it a try. Through out all of this, the most important lesson I've learned, is that all of us have challenges.
kathyxtrieu /  
Nov 26, 2011   #2
It was amazing to me that in a matter of seconds your life could change.

As the news were new to me

This is kind of confusing, revise your word choice? Maybe instead of "new" use explained or something.

He showed me through laughter

You don't need to repeat this.

Throughout all of his faults

It's not really his "faults." It's more of the obstacles in his life.

Through his hard times, he grewdeveloped a passion for cooking, and today he works at his own 5 star restaurant, in New York City. He followed his dreams so far ,

I think you have many simple sentences, that could be improved by combining or being more descriptive. Your story is great, but make sure to include more information about yourself.

I hope this helps!


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