Prompt: Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.
Sometimes, the most insignificant person can leave the biggest impact on one's life.
I never got to know you, and that is something that I regret the most.
Every week at church loud shouting noises reverberated through the quiet church as I sat in the front. Each time I wondered what that sound was or who was making it. Months into attending church, my mom told me that there was a mentally retarded boy around my age that went to our church and made those noises.
I never gave more than a thought of pity to you and your parents. I was too busy with my own life.
My family hosted the monthly prayer night at our house, and coming home late from a debate tournament, I was exhausted and still had to do homework. Walking into my room, I saw the boy going through all of my books on my bookshelf while making a mess. Angrily, I ushered the boy out of my room and locked the door to make sure he would not intrude again. That was the extent of our contact.
I never knew that someone's life could be taken so easily. I was certain that you would bounce back.
Weeks later, my mom told me that the boy had fallen into a coma and was in the hospital. Hearing about this in movies and T.V. shows all the time, I thought it was not serious and was assured that he would wake up. Days passed by, and there was no progress. The doctors gave a grace period of five days before they would shut down all the machines that were keeping him alive now. To me, five days seemed long enough for him to just open his eyes.
I never though that God would just take you away from your family. Your parents, my parents, the entire church, and I prayed for you every night, so I was sure you would wake up[/i].
I visited him on the third day only to see over twenty machines surrounding him and keeping him alive. I could tell that he was no longer in his body; he was gone. His parents, sobbing, thanked me for coming and went back into the hospital. The next day, he passed away.
[i]You taught me how to treasure life. You taught me how to treasure those around me instead of being absorbed in my life.
Life is short. When people go around recklessly driving or foolishly playing with their lives, I think of how he never got to experience life like others can. He never got to learn how to drive or play the piano. But now he is gone and I am here. I can go out and make a difference in not only my life but in others. I can go to college and achieve an education he could not. I can live.
Thank you.
It's actually due in a couple hours so quick critiques would be nice. Thanks!
"one's life."a person'sbest not to use "one" or "you" in a formal, semi-formal essay
Every week at church loud shouting noises reverberated through the quiet church as I sat in the front. Be specific. Every Sunday? what days did you attend? Each time I wondered what that sound was or who was making it. Months into attending church, my mom told me that there was a mentally retarded boy around my age that went to our church and made those noises. Sounds odd. maybe "I had been attending church now for a few months when my mom..."
WOW. just...WOW. very well written. I swear I was holding my breath while reading. Really vivid, great details. Sorry if you already turned it in.
Tell me what you think about mine?
Hearing about this sort of situation in movies and T.V. shows all the time, I thought it was not serious and was assured that he would wake up.
Oh... now I see that it was due a long time ago, so my ideas do not help. Anyway, I love the effect you get with the italicized sentences directed to the boy. Brilliant.
This is not an essay that conveys who you are, but with a solid new intro paragraph and some revision it certainly could be.
