yeah, another one of these UC prompts. I'm still writing it. Things I'm not sure of, whether it's word choice, if it's an unnecessary detail, or grammar stuff are in red. Feedback please!
I used to think I was deprived (of opportunities) . Looking back at it now, I realized what a ridiculous (foolish/absurd/ludicrous) thought that was! In fact, compared to some of my peers (in some respects) , I'm rather blessed! (Coming from a Chinese/Asian/multicultural background widened my scope of the world) My family is to be thanked for the opportunities I've been exposed to. I know they will support me in (whatever I choose to do) the medical aspirations (veterinary aspirations) I have.
My family is not rich. In the first four years of my life, we lived in a shabby apartment. Dad was an auto mechanic, and Mom was a nanny. Oftentimes they were busy, so my older sister, Lulu, took care of me. (During this time I had my first pet, a hamster. This hamster led to my growing love for animals and a desire to help them.) Then at age five, my mom, sister, and I went to China. It was a whole new world, with a new language and people. Four years I lived in China, and those years were far from deprived; it was a time full of opportunities, and wonderful experiences. I enjoyed the food, learning about my culture, and the occasional sightseeing trips around China. School was more rigorous compared to school in the US; I had (tons of) homework every night. I can remember my mother helping me with math problems, and we'd work late into the night. As a reward for good test grades, my mom would treat me to McDonald's or KFC; because I ate Chinese food every day, I appreciated the rare opportunity to gorge on delicious junk food (that opinion changed for the better) . If I misbehaved, I got beat. Though I resented the beatings, I understood that my behavior was bad, and that I deserved it.
Returning to the US was like that day I went to China. English was the foreign language, and American culture was incomprehensible. I couldn't talk to my fourth grade classmates, who had endless questions about China. At the time, my mom and sister stayed in China, so it was just me and my dad. He was (instrumental) in re-teaching me the English language. I learned new words and read books every day --- I soaked up vocabulary like a sponge [CLICHED need better phrasing] . I went through a time of disliking my Asian background, because some kids would make fun of my appearance and my race. Overtime I learned to ignore their remarks, and I became stronger instead. Being insulted by others, and knowing how it feels (,) also made me sensitive (sympathetic/empathetic) to others' feelings; I am open-minded and judge others neutrally.
Despite being a Chinese/Asian family, my parents were neither strict nor pressuring, as defined by stereotypes typically associated with Asian parents. On the contrary, they were quite lenient. All they ask of me is to keep up with grades; they did not expect me to get straight A's. When I struggle with homework, I always go to my sister. Thanks to her excellent tutoring, I have been in a higher level math class since eighth grade. There were also times when I was envious of my sister's intelligence; I turned that negative emotion to a motivator for success. Math and science became the two most important subjects, and I strived to do well in these classes, because they are essential to my career aspirations.
When I wanted to do track in ninth grade, my parents were supportive.
for the second red area thing use the word ludicrous. its a great word. :)
use multicultural only if you are more than one culture.
if you really wanna talk about how the hamster helped you, then do so. don't mention the little guy (or girl) and then leave him/her hangin...
no one deserves to be beat for any reason.
i'm unclear which prompt this is for. make it a little more clear.
you have a great essay overall. just needs more revision and clarity.
check out mine please. i need feedback big time :)
thank you for the feedback!
it's for prompt #1
FOR UC #1 I've edited and stuff, I think I'm finished. Feedback please!
I used to think I was deprived of privileges. Looking back now, I realized what a foolish thought that was! In fact, compared to some of my peers, I'm rather blessed! I have my family to thank for the opportunities I've been exposed to, and also my Asian heritage. I know they will support me in the medical aspirations I have.
My family is not rich. In the first four years of my life, we lived in a shabby apartment. Dad was an auto mechanic, and Mom was a nanny. Oftentimes they were busy, so my older sister, Lulu, took care of me. My first pet, a hamster, kindled a desire in me to help animals. I was told that the little guy bit me while I was asleep, but that didn't stop me from loving animals. Then at age five, my mom, sister, and I went to China. It was a whole new world, a new language, and new people. Four years I lived in China, and those years were far from deprived - it was a time full of opportunities, and wonderful experiences. I enjoyed learning about my culture, eating diverse foods and the occasional sightseeing trips we took around the country. School was more rigorous compared to that in the US. I had so much homework! I remember my mother helping me with math problems, and we would work late into the night. As a reward for good test grades, my mom would treat me to McDonald's or KFC. Because I ate Chinese food every day, I appreciated the rare opportunity to gorge on delicious junk food (I rarely do that now). If I misbehaved, I got beat. Though I resented the beatings, I knew my behavior was bad at the time. I must say I was grateful for it, because it instilled discipline in me.
Returning to the US was like the day I went to China. English was the foreign language now, and American culture was baffling. I had moved to Las Vegas, and I was a fourth grader at the time. I couldn't talk to my classmates, who had endless questions about China. At the time, my mom and sister stayed in China, so it was just me and my dad. He was instrumental in re-teaching me the English language. I learned new words and read books every day - I soaked up vocabulary like a sponge. Around fifth grade I went through a time of disliking my Asian background, because some kids would make fun of my appearance and my race. Overtime I learned to ignore their remarks, and I became stronger instead. Being insulted by others, and knowing how it feels, has made me sensitive to others people's feelings. I am more open-minded and judge others neutrally.
My parents were neither strict nor pressuring, despite the stereotypes typically associated with Asian parents. On the contrary, they were quite lenient. "Just get good grades," they said, They did not expect me to get straight A's, as long as I'm passing my classes. I did well in school because they weren't pressuring me. When I struggle with homework, usually math, I always go to my sister. Thanks to her excellent tutoring, I have been in a higher level math class since eighth grade, and have done well even after my sister moved to Reno in 2007. There were times when I was envious of my sister's intelligence; I turned that negative emotion to a motivator for success. My sister also acted as my "counselor," I rant about the negatives of my life, she listens (or pretends to) while doing other important matters. Math and science became the two most important subjects, and I strived to do well in these classes, because they are essential to my career aspirations.
When I wanted to join track in ninth grade, my parents were supportive, providing the money that was necessary. When I wanted a video game, my parents paid for it. When I complained that I need new clothes, my mom took me out shopping. They were, and still are, poker dealers in a casino. Dealers do not make a lot of money, and I felt guilt whenever I voiced my selfish requests. Thanks to them, I was able to develop my interests. It's time to pay them back. After I receive my education in college, I will get a good job, and repay them generously for all their years of support.
"My first pet, a hamster, kindled a desire in me to help animals. I was told that the little guy bit me while I was asleep, but that didn't stop me from loving animals."
It's kind of contradictory, and it is also kind of redundant. I don't really see how it fits in with the essay, so you might want to consider leaving it out.
I appreciated the rare opportunity to gorge on delicious junk food (I rarely do that now).
You don't need to say that, and you'll save a few words by leaving it out. I don't think the readers care much about your diet :).
When[ever] I struggle with homework, usually [especially] math, I always go to my sister [for help].
I have been in a higher level math class since eighth grade, and [since then] have done [been doing] well{comma} even after [though] my sister moved to Reno in 2007.
I liked your essay a lot, good luck with your admission! And thanks for reading mine!
ah, I was attempting to be humorous with the junk food part
thanks very much :)
