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'My family and my interest in computers' - UC 1 - world you come from


Adi_1996 1 / 1  
Nov 14, 2012   #1
Please review my essay for the uc essay and provide you harshest criticism. Thank you :)

The delightful smell of cinnamon rolls, the sizzling of sweet potatoes and the sight of freshly diced tomatoes surround me as I look around the kitchen. For most people, cooking at the age of ten was a burden, but for me it was a pleasure since this gave me an opportunity to show my appreciation for my parents. It's undoubtedly true that parents hold the highest bearing in the shaping of one's life, and I know this from experience.

My family consists of four people: My father, mother, brother and myself. My other relatives live in far away countries so it is just the four of us most of the time. As a result, these three other people have a great impact on my dreams, my goals and my personality.

My mom has probably had the greatest impact on my life. When I was eight, my mom had to leave me to pursue her career in the UK. Her desire to pursue academic excellence and the awards it reaped made me realise the importance of studying hard. Surprising though this may seem, her departure also made me develop an interest in Computers. I remember calling my mom up in the middle of the night to tell her that using the Internet I could talk to her for ages without paying a hefty sum.

My brother has had the second greatest impact on my life. Diagnosed with a mild case of schizophrenia, getting my brother to talk freely with me has been a challenge which I have overcome after a lot of patience, persistence and enthusiasm. Also, my brother, despite being highly intelligent, never focused on what his goals in life were and got a degree in Electronics and Communication when his interests lie in Computer Science. However, he has made sure that I know exactly where my interests lie and has coached me in the art of programming where my interests lie.

My father has also influenced me in minor ways. Born in an isolated village in Kanpur, my dad learned the importance of money at an early stage in life and he has made sure that I learned the same too. He has always made sure that I use money efficiently. I remember the time when I sulked for ages because my dad did not buy me the glitter pens all my friends had. However my dad taught me how to make glitter pens out of normal pens at half the cost.

My family has shaped my goals so that I can pursue a career path I like and get into a good college. My parents have shaped me to be a kind, caring, compassionate individual who doesn't care about what other people think and who does what she feels is right.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 14, 2012   #2
The delightful smell of cinnamon rolls, the sizzling of sweet potatoes and the sight of freshly diced tomatoes surround me as I look around the kitchen. For most people, cooking at the age of ten was a burden, but for me it was a pleasure since this gave me an opportunity to show my appreciation for my parents. It's undoubtedly true that parents hold the highest bearing in the shaping of one's life, and I know this from experience.

Very beautiful introduction : )

My other relativesOur extended families live in far away countries so it is just the four of us most of the timethat made my family members very closely knitted. As a result, these three other peoplemy parents and my brother have a great impactinfluence on my dreams, my goals and my personality.
OP Adi_1996 1 / 1  
Nov 14, 2012   #3
Thanks a lot :)

I was wondering if the rest of my essay is ok because I find it to be monotonous or is it fine?
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 14, 2012   #4
Well.... the rest don't stand up to the level that you show in presenting your first para. I'd suggest you not to detail each one's contribution seperately ( i mean your family members) in three separate paras. It looks overly done. I think it is better if you treat them as one bunch and talk about how they shaped different facets of your aspirations and character. Have more focus on you, I mean the impact on you.


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