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'Family that likes pets' - is this a good MSU admissions essay


oreodiamond 1 / -  
Oct 27, 2009   #1
Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future.(400 words or less)

I come from a huge family that's if you include our pets. Having two brothers already gone off to college, one finished with school and one soon to graduate, I've found it hard to believe that it's my turn and will soon have my younger brother following me in three years. I've thought for some time now of what to major in and even though I've changed my mind I've come back to the thought of being a veterinarian every time I see my cats. It was a cold January morning back in sixth grade the first of two tuxedo kittens appeared at the kitchen sliding doors. Well, my parents weren't pleased at first but they grew on them, but not soon enough before the female kitten, named Nibbles, could get spayed. Nibbles then had a litter the day after mother's day and that's when I started to learn what ever I could about cats. I fell in love with the species and found them fascinating. All of the kittens looked well and healthy from the start but then the runt of the litter was lagging behind. It started to get sick pretty fast and short of living to nine weeks old it died one early Saturday morning. That's when it hit me. I wanted to learn how to heal and save animal's lives. Since that day four other cats have taken up residence at my home. Now that's why I plan to attend MSU because it's one of the best vet schools in the country. I even got into a veterinary science class through the education for employment program the high schools offer throughout the Kalamazoo County. From this class, I've been learning a lot and what it requires to become a veterinarian. I practice most of what I learn on my lovable pet cats, and now days, when my oldest brother comes to visit I practice some of the knowledge I've learned on his adopted dog like handling and using some medical terminology. If those two tuxedo kittens hadn't shown up so many years ago, I wonder if I would have been so much into animals as I am now.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 29, 2009   #2
Your writing style is too wordy and informal. You need to be more concise and use more appropriate diction for this essay to work for you. For instance,

"I come from a huge family that's if you include our pets."
"I come from a large family that keeps many pets."

"I've thought for some time now of what to major in and even though I've changed my mind I've come back to the thought of being a veterinarian every time I see my cats."

"My decision to train to become a veterinarian is reinforced every time I look at my cats."

And so on.


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