What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
Six o'clock in the morning, I wake up to the sounds of someone yelling and cursing from down the hallway. I rise from my bed, tiptoe over to my door, and twist my doorknob as slowly as possible, trying my very hardest not to make a single noise. I peek my head out and there stood my parents. I see tears streaming down from my mom's pale, sunken cheeks and hear hateful words spewing from my dad's mouth. It wasn't just one morning; it was an ongoing occurrence that took place all throughout my childhood.
-This is my introduction so far. I plan on going on to explain why growing up like this is one of the reasons why I want to be a family/marriage therapist and go on to further my knowledge in the field of psychology.
-How is my idea so far? Should I trash it? I'm always so dissatisfied with my writing and struggle the most with my introductions.
-How is the grammar? Are you able to picture this? I'm trying to go for that whole showing instead of telling approach. It's hard!
Any input/suggestions will greatly be appreciated! Thanks!
I think its good!
Its hard to say though with out all of your essay. But yes, I like your voice and style. I can definantly see what your saying, and its a good idea. However, be careful with this essay you that you don't just talk about what you observed. Make sure you put your real focus on how that affected you.
I think it is really good. The introduction is amazing , I am definitly able to picture what you're saying . The grammar is good.
Good luck with finishing it :)
thank you guys, i will post the rest up by the end of today!
I made several more modifications to my third and last paragraph and that is why I'm reposting. Sorry.
Please, read over this and provide me with as much insight/suggestions as possible (grammar, ideas, sentence structure, vocabulary, etc.)!
This is a solid essay. Good Job.
I would transition into your relationship with your coach from the standpoint of you were alone with no one to understand you until he came along, istead he just helped you understand your parents. That way that example relates more strongly to your experience with volunteer work.
I wasn't the straight A student, music prodigy, or statewide spelling bee winner; I wasn't daughter they wanted.
- I would actually emphasize that this was how you felt. Not how it really was.
I thought maybe because I wasnt the straight A...
Overall I like it!
Would you mind reading mine?
thank you, i will change those parts!
Humn... I am not as good as Straw, but I feel like your 3rd and last paragraph need to be a little stronger.
Your description of your coach and his influence on you are a bit vivid. I think you can be more specific. Use one of his quote that helped you through the crisis, or tell how his personalites impress you so much that you changed...I think you are making it too general: "He enlightened me with words of wisdom"...etc is something everyone can say.
I think the best way is to tell a small super-short one-paragraph special moment when you met him or talk to him. That would make it much stronger, more specific and interesting.
As for the last paragraph, I suggest you move "Like my coach, I want to be mentor for young individuals, one who they reach to for a helping hand." to the last sentence, changing it to something powerful like "One day, like my coach, I want to use my knowledge and understanding of human behavior, I can help those teenagers growing up a helping hand, a proper guidance, so they will never have to suffer like me. I want to be a family therapist." That's just an example. I think you can come up with something much more personal, much more interesting that what I just did :P.
Avoid generalities, make it personal and unique. Say something that is just like you, and you only.
The other paragraphs are good. And you already had a strong major direction in mind, that would give you a good advantage.
Thanks for fixing mine, heh heh :P
thank you for you the suggestion
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement. (Word Count: 509)
Six o'clock in the morning, I woke up to the sounds of yelling and cursing from down the hallway. I rose from my bed, tiptoed over to my door, and twisted my doorknob as slowly as possible, trying my very hardest not to make a single noise. I poke my head out and there stood my parents. I saw tears streaming down from my mom's pale, sunken cheeks and heard wounding words spewing from my dad's mouth. This wasn't just one morning's mishap; their feuds were ongoing and occurred often throughout my teenage years.
While growing up, it was difficult for me to interpret my parents' arguments and understand why they were so unhappy together, but still married. Vivid images of them breaking each other apart mentally linger in my head. Around this time, my siblings were too young to understand, my parents too busy with work, and my friends too caught up with boys. I felt alone in a world where no one understood me. As months drifted by, I constantly punished myself for being the source of the problem. I thought that because I wasn't the straight A student, music prodigy, or statewide spelling bee winner, I wasn't the daughter they wanted.
During my first year in high school my understanding for my parents' behavior gradually surfaced. I owe it all to my tennis coach for the frequent heart-to-heart conversations regarding my problems at home. Patiently, he would explain to me the difficulties of parenthood-the stress that comes with working, paying bills, and providing for a family. He enlightened me with words of wisdom, which in the end enabled me to empathize with my parents' actions on a better level. He assured me that I wasn't the reason for their arguments by hammering into my head that my parents love and care for me. Because of my coach, I acquired a better understanding for my parents' behavior and was able to recapture my self-confidence, which in the end allowed me to veer my life towards a more positive direction.
Growing up without having someone to talk to and understand me was challenging. My experience enabled me to value the importance of having someone to open up to when in need. During my last two years in high school, I volunteered at a church with underprivileged, struggling kids. Being able to provide them the support and motivation they needed to succeed and move forward with life was rewarding. Like my coach, I want to be a mentor for young individuals, one who they can reach to for a helping hand. Through my involvement in the volunteer program and experience growing up, my desire to study psychology and become a guidance counselor solidified. With a strong understanding of human behavior, I will be able to provide proper guidance to individuals, especially teenagers, during a perplexing time in their lives. Instead of peeking my head from behind a door, retreating before I even took a step, I want to be able to open doors, advancing before I can lead.