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'My family moved to USA' - UC prompt 1


sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 26, 2011   #1
Hi guys, please help me improve my UC prompt 1. I appreciate any suggestions and advice.
Thank You Very Much !

Prompt : Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I don't want to live for someone else's dream; I want to stand on my own. I want to "Stay Hungry and Foolish." (Steve Jobs)

My parent's always wanted me to work on our family business. As I never objected to their dream, it became an expectation - and soon an obligation. I never gave a thought to what I wanted to be.

My family moved to USA four years ago so that me and my brother could obtain a better education. I didn't want to come, and my first couple years in America were hopeless - I couldn't leave India behind. I didn't want to adjust to this new country, so I lived in the virtual world of Runescape, a computer game.

After being an introvert for the first year and a half in High School, I started getting involved in tennis and school. I quit Runescape and started socializing. America wasn't as bad as I made it seem, and I made a lot of friends in a short time.

As I got to know more people, I noticed a trend. All the teenager's - my new friends, my American cousins, and my classmates- had something in common : they had dreams they wanted to pursue. My brother became my idol because he had gotten into the college and career of his choice. If he did it, why can't I? Everyone, even the adults, around me had dreams and ambitions. It didn't matter whether they were rich or poor, genius or challenged, or successful or not. They were all hungry - never satisfied with the knowledge they had - and foolish - wanting to learn more and more. I wanted to be like that as well.

I started thinking about what I liked and what I was good at. My teacher's helped me a lot to understand myself, and encouraged and guided me to choose a career of my liking. Mrs. Shelton, my science teacher, was my favorite because she spent extra hours just talking to me about my future and answering my questions. My friends inspired me to explore my life and work hard towards my goals. My family was happy to know that I wanted to be something. My mother, surprised but happy with my change, provided me with all the love and support that I needed to succeed. My brother; well, he is my idol. It is due to everyone that I am the person I am today.

I have matured a lot in the last two years. I have become independent, responsible and ambitious; I have discovered the person I am. I love science, math, and economics. Therefore, after much research, I have narrowed down my career options to engineering and economics. However, whatever it may be, I want to learn more and more as I'll always be hungry and foolish.
thedarkknight 3 / 4  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
nicely written.
the opening is beautiful.
But i think you should include something more about what is your dream or goal
deepa21 5 / 12  
Nov 27, 2011   #3
Very nice essay the explanation and the flow of ideas is very good it well organized .
But yes your dream can be made more clear even though you have discovered your ability later by end you need to mention you dream.
OP sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 27, 2011   #4
Hi, thank you guys for the reply.
Any others suggestions and advice is welcome
Thank You Very Much
THEBOSS22 1 / 6  
Nov 27, 2011   #5
Hey, I really like your essay. It is really well organized and it gets to the point.

I think u need can focus ur essay a little bit better and yes, u should state ur dream.
beastlychic5 1 / 5  
Nov 27, 2011   #6
i really like how you write... very interesting! i agree with the rest, something that states your dream directly will really finish up this essay
OP sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 27, 2011   #7
Hi guys, Thank You for the suggestions
I edited my essay a bit and have some questions ( not a lot, and they're really small changes = I just combined 2 paragraphs and changed some sentences)

I don't want to live for someone else's dream; I want to stand on my own. I want to "Stay Hungry and Foolish." (Steve Jobs)

My parent's always wanted me to work on our family business. As I never objected to their dream, it became an expectation- and soon an obligation. I never thought to what I wanted to be.

My family moved to USA four years ago so that me and my brother could obtain a better education. I didn't want to come, and my first couple years in America were hopeless - I just couldn't leave India behind. I didn't want to adjust to this new country, so I lived in the virtual world of Runescape, a computer game.

Only after two years of high school was I able to quit Runescape and start integrating into society. America wasn't as bad as I made it seem, and I quickly made a lot of friends. As I got to know more people, I noticed a trend. All the teenager's - my new friends, my American cousins, and my classmates- had something in common : they had dreams they wanted to pursue. My brother became my idol because he had gotten into the college and career of his choice. If he did it, why can't I? Everyone around me, even the adults, had dreams and ambitions. It didn't matter whether they were rich or poor, genius or challenged, or successful or not. They were all hungry - never satisfied with the knowledge they had - and foolish - wanting to learn more and more. I wanted to be like that as well.

I started thinking about what I liked and what I was good at. My teacher's helped me a lot to understand myself, and encouraged and guided me to choose a career of my liking. Mrs. Shelton, my science teacher, was my favorite because she spent extra hours just talking to me about my future and answering my questions. My friends inspired me to explore my life and work hard towards my goals. My family was happy to know that I wanted to be something. My mother, surprised but happy with my change, provided me with all the love and support that I needed to succeed. My brother; well, he is my idol.

I have matured a lot in the last two years. I have become independent, responsible and ambitious; I have discovered the person I am. I love science, math, and economics. Therefore, after much research, I have narrowed down my career options to engineering and economics. However, whatever it may be, I want to learn more and more as I'll always be hungry and foolish.

So I had 2 questions
Should I change "They were all hungry - never satisfied with the knowledge they had - and foolish - wanting to learn more and more." to They were all hungry - never satisfied with the success they had - and foolish - wanting to achieve more and more.?

And I don't understand what else to write about my dream. I mean my dream is just to become something on my own. Can you guys help me on this please?

Thank You!
bhaveshnibber - / 2  
Nov 27, 2011   #8
Good essay an interesting read.

for the first question: i think you should keep it as it is.
My parent's - should be my parents
OP sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 27, 2011   #9
Thanks for the suggestions!
But what should I do about the dream?
Anybody have any suggestions?
Any advice is appreciated
Thank You Very much!
OP sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 28, 2011   #10
Hi, can any one else help me with this please? Any suggestion or advice will be awesome! Thank You and please help!
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Nov 29, 2011   #11
Your original essay has a nice flow. I read the prompt, then read your essay, and it seemed to me that you've answered it very well. I think the reader will be pleased with your writing, which may actually count for a lot. More than you seem to think, though everyone here often seem to be straining at saying the most they can about themselves.
hereicome - / 2  
Nov 29, 2011   #12
I would recommend providing examples of what specifically interest you in engineering and economics. Something you have seen or preferably done to tie it back to your desire to get involved in these disciplines as part of your dream. Is it a natural gift for something or a realization you had that brought you to recognized your interest in engineering and economics. If you are looking to reduce your word count I would recommend taking things out like your teachers name or redundant comments about how your family feels about your recognizing what you wanted to do. Good Luck!
alexxlen 2 / 5  
Nov 29, 2011   #13
Great first paragraph!
Kevinho 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2011   #14
I agree with alexxlen!


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