Hello, I have a very rough draft for the first prompt. I was wondering if I correctly answered it and if there were any problems. This was a really frustrating prompt because everything that I wrote always sounded cheesy and unmeaningful which is what I'm afraid will ruin my statement. The second prompt was a little easier and I felt like it tells more about me. The second essay has been heavily revised so I think it's ready to go.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Behaviorists believe that the environment we are raised in defines who we are. In a way, my environment can be easily described by how it influenced me. Although I am defined by my community and friends, my family has been the greatest factor. My parents, along with thousands of other 'boat people' fleeing from Vietnam, escaped their ravaged homeland by settling in the U.S. My father pursued his ambitions after becoming a citizen by successfully enrolling into college in New Jersey while my mother struggled to support her siblings. Although they faced difficult circumstances such as making ends meet, I was fortunate enough to enjoy experiences that motivated me to study the sciences, particularly biology and chemistry.
One of these experiences was camping for the first time at the Sequoia National Park when I was a child. It was a surreal feeling for I was not accustomed to sight of towering red woods or the calmness of the forest atmosphere. The abundance of creatures such as grizzlies and spotted owls, to the countless number of plants, fascinated me because I had never left the mundane boundaries of the cityscape. Since then, camping trips were more than family vacations; they were portals that drove my passion for discovery that allowed me to appreciate the natural world.
My family's willingness to accept answers from different perspectives has also attributed to my aspirations of studying science. As Aristotle said, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." Being raised in an open minded home, I was always encouraged to seek answers that satisfied my curiosity. For instance, at age seven, I discovered that placing pH paper in my mouth made the indicator turn green. It would then proceed to turn red when placed in lemon juice and purple in soapy water. I was fascinated by this discovery and wanted to understand why the paper reacted this way. Years later, the pH indicator that I formerly used has now been replaced with indicators such as methyl orange or phenolphthalein, but the same fascination for new discoveries remains.
My aspirations of studying biology led me to enroll into John Muir Middle School which was a science magnet. There, I was able to take classes in earth, biological and physical sciences. By excelling in my passion, I was awarded the John Muir Medal which inspired me to continue pursuing my goals in high school. I still carry my family's value to keep accept different opinions which I believe are imperative to being successful in the scientific field.
Through my family, I have developed an unstoppable drive to understand my world. I know that through research and ingenuity in the biological fields, I can bring understanding to those curious as me. Behaviorists are truly correct about one's environment as mine has defined me to always uncover the facts, discover the mysteries of this universe, and appreciate knowledge.
Behaviorists believe that the environment we are raised in defines who we are. In a way, my environment can be easily described by how it influenced me. Although I am defined by my community and friends, my family has been the greatest factor. My parents, along with thousands of other 'boat people' fleeing from Vietnam, escaped their ravaged homeland by settling in the U.S. My father pursued his ambitions after becoming a citizen by successfully enrolling into college in New Jersey while my mother struggled to support her siblings. (I don't think this part ties in well with the rest of your essay) Although they faced difficult circumstances such as making ends meet, I was fortunate enough to enjoy experiences that motivated me to study the sciences, particularly biology and chemistry.
My family's willingness to accept answers from different perspectives has also attributed to my aspirations of studying science
I think you mention your family a lot, but never deep enough to expand on what they actually did to contribute to your dream. Perhaps provide a story about their direct influence on your scientific endeavors?
Also, I think you should omit the Aristotle quote as it detracts from the essay being about you. Instead, you should include your own personal philosophy.
