That first line is full of numbers... the reader does not need to know the numbers.
And when you get here, I feel bad for the other kids who apparently by implication were the kids who were "not good."--->
As my sisters came along, my parents began to consider me "the good child" - an epithet that has stuck with me since.
most students simply do just enough to get by,
uninterested in what they are learning. --Yes, they are, and as a result they do not have any specific goals to write about in college essays. Do not be one of them! Use this essay to discuss some of your goals for the next few years and the way you will improve this world.
earning a doctorate then becoming a psychiatrist and making innovative breakthroughs ---This is not a goal. It is just a passing reference to a broad field. Discuss the types of psych that appeal to you -- cognitive, behavioral, psychoanalytic? existential? Discuss some articles by psychiatrists whom you admire. Show that you are doing a lot of proactive reading.