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"In a family of ten..." - my family, school, background CU Boulder Short Essay


brookelanae 7 / 15  
Jan 14, 2011   #1
Essay B (required; choose topic 1, 2, or 3, maximum 250 words):
Who are the influential people in your life? How have they contributed to your development as a person?
Briefly discuss how your family, school, neighborhood, and background have impacted your educational goals and aspirations.
Discuss any events or special circumstances that have affected your academic record, as well as any adversities you have overcome.


In a family of ten, I remain one. My mother conceived me while she was still in high school, and, consequently, I was the first born out of my seven siblings. As my sisters came along, my parents began to consider me "the good child" - an epithet that has stuck with me since. I grew older, and with my parents' divorce and all the responsibilities that were forced upon me to help take care of my mother's kids, the "good kid" aspect of my personality began to shape my entire character. The way I envisioned myself was as different than the rest of my siblings, and this is how I first realized that being unusual is acceptable. I began to develop introverted qualities, spending much of my free time alone with what I felt I excelled most in - thought.

This year is my final one as a student at Blackwell High School. In my ten years' residency here, I have witnessed the apathy that dwells in my school and community. It seems as if most students simply do just enough to get by, uninteresting in what they are learning. Nevertheless, I find the thought of new ideas and discoveries about the world around myself invigorating. I hope to go beyond what people expect out of a BHS graduate by earning a doctorate then becoming a psychiatrist and making innovative breakthroughs in the science of the mind.
Jomaha23 7 / 29  
Jan 14, 2011   #2
As for grammar errors, I really found none. The context of the essay is good, but it somehow lacks a connection between the idea of your first paragraph, your idea on the second paragraph, and the prompt. You should focus more on answering HOW your family environment affected or inspired you to study psychiatry? COnnect your ideas on your first paragraph (Which are great) to your second paragraph. How coming from your family made you thoughtful (as you said). How did it manage to change your perspective of study? How it inspired you to follow your desire for psychiatry? How has your family background made you want to succeed in life. It never hurts to talk about specific situations that actually happened in your family environment. Your essay is strong, but answer the questions I mentioned and it will be perfect. This is just a suggestion, your essay is great, but IN MY OPINION ONLY, it needs little, little, little, improvements.

Best of lucks :)!

By the way can you please check my essay back :( I need some help !! It is the Georgia Tech one, just click on the link below that says "Help with mine?" Thanks in advance :)!
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 21, 2011   #3
That first line is full of numbers... the reader does not need to know the numbers.

And when you get here, I feel bad for the other kids who apparently by implication were the kids who were "not good."--->

As my sisters came along, my parents began to consider me "the good child" - an epithet that has stuck with me since.

most students simply do just enough to get by, uninteresting uninterested in what they are learning. --Yes, they are, and as a result they do not have any specific goals to write about in college essays. Do not be one of them! Use this essay to discuss some of your goals for the next few years and the way you will improve this world.

earning a doctorate then becoming a psychiatrist and making innovative breakthroughs ---This is not a goal. It is just a passing reference to a broad field. Discuss the types of psych that appeal to you -- cognitive, behavioral, psychoanalytic? existential? Discuss some articles by psychiatrists whom you admire. Show that you are doing a lot of proactive reading.

:-)


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